State of Mind

Have you ever second guessed yourself? Made a decision and wondered if it was the right one? Or spent more than necessary trying to come to a decision? I think people worry because they are comfortable with the status quo. The consequence of a decision is more or less unbeknownst to our current self. We're all afraid of losing what we have for what we could gain. Is the loss worth the gain? Will there be a gain? But alas! Sitting on our bums and worrying is not going to get anyone anywhere! Just make a decision based on your best judgement (or best instincts) and go for it! I believe that the gain will always be greater than the loss, you may just not realise it at the time.

Of course, I come across this quote just as I was about to start this entry.

Worry is imagination misplaced.

 

Being Alone and Not Alone

I think we all have had issues at one point or another with being alone or feeling alone. A lot of people probably feel ashamed in some respect to say that they are lonely? I know I have at one stage felt that way too. But we all have to realise that the need to be with people and not feel alone is very much human nature. We can't help feeling that way no matter how much we try to suppress that feeling. 

The concept of being lonely is actually rather complex (at least to me it is). I feel that part of a song's lyrics perfectly describes how I feel about the concept of loneliness. 

“孤单是一个人的狂欢。狂欢是一群人的孤单”

Translation (please excuse my amateur translations): 

"Loneliness is one person's joyousness. Joyousness is a group of people's loneliness."

A lot of the times I enjoy being alone and not having to deal with people. Dealing with people and handling various types of relationships is definitely not one of my strengths. Though I suppose we are all a work in progress in this department, it's just that I feel like I started to work on this part of myself rather late so I always feel like I am behind. 

However, there have been numerous times when I have felt rather alone. I believe this is a combination of me being not very good at relationship-building and also chose to and is not very good at expressing how I really feel. The reason (or at least what I think is the reason) for the two factors is for another post. Anyhow, the point is I am not very good with words, especially words of expression. So since I cannot accurately describe how I feel most of the time, I just chose not to so as to save me the pain of explaining. 

My personal remedy for feeling alone is listening to music because I usually find the lyrics aptly describe how I feel, which is why I use lyrics to express myself a lot on here. Also because I find that if I just let myself fully submerge in that feeling of loneliness for a few hours, I can better detach myself from that feeling later. 

I believe that the normal remedy for other more normal people is talking to friends. Most people use the term "best friends". I will be telling the truth when I say that I have never had a "best friend" because I've always believed that you cannot distinguish that one friend is "better" than another. The term also gives me the connotation that if you are "best friends" then you are exclusive. I don't believe friendship should be exclusive. I prefer the term "close friends" to "best friends". Sorry for the detour, what I really wanted to say is that I have always felt that expressing such sentiments openly leaves me exposed and vulnerable. It's not that I don't trust my friends, it's more that I don't trust society.

 

I am now getting better at being all exposed and vulnerable but I still sometimes try to side step feeling vulnerable by using "substitutive terms" to loneliness such as boredom. But really we all know loneliness and boredom is not quite the same. My nature is to be passive so you gotta be proactive with me or I'll just keep avoiding it.

Actually I've always wondered whether other people feel the same way. You're at a large party/group gathering during which you are very high and interactive. But as soon as you leave the crowd, you feel empty, 空虚。Sometimes this makes me wonder what it is I really want. I think the answer is you don't need a lot of friends, you just need a few close friends. 

I will leave you with a quote I stole today while watching a father teach his children the lessons of life (as in this was from YouTube).

“财富不是一辈子的朋友，朋友绝对是你一辈子的财富。”

 "Money and treasure is not a lifelong friend but friends are a lifelong treasure for sure."

Stereotypes

We always tend to categorise and stereotype anything new we see/experience. After spending the last two days on site, I have today come to a conclusion that a certain stereotype regarding genders is true. Essentially in the sugar mill, you can sort of separate the plant into 3 different areas: engineering, the actual operation of the plant and laboratory testing of samples from various parts of the process and to make sure that the farmers are being paid what they should be. 

I've spent half the day in the engineering office actually working - female-wise, there is only myself as an engineer on this site. I've spent majority of yesterday and today in the plant itself and have met at least half of the operators - all of which are males, I've also only seen perhaps 2-3 female operators so far. Having just been introduced to the lab this afternoon, it is fairly safe to say that everyone in there are female.

From my observations, my conclusion was that the stereotype of males do the hard labour and thinking jobs while females do the soft, nothing too brain-consuming jobs is true. I may or may not have offended some people here and I know for a fact that this is NOT always true. It just so happens that on this site, I feel that this stereotype holds.

***

I wish coffee worked, or something does. Every morning at 8am we have a meeting and every time I am struggling to stay focused.

Settling In

Work hours: 7am to 3:50pm. (So early!)
Project: collecting mud samples from various points of the process and determining their purity. (Meh)
Housemates: one really cute guy and one rather nerdy and super quiet guy.
Town: might as well be nothing, at least I don't have to try and decide whether to "explore" the town or not.
People in general: very very nice and extremely knowledgeable in the sugar industry.
Connection to the outside world: phone has no reception but the housemates do have wifi here. (Hence why I'm here.)

Verdict: I don't really see myself staying here in the long term scheme of things. Actually I'm kinda glad this is only for 3 weeks and not 3 months so I dunno how I would've handled it if I actually took their grad offer and stayed here for 3 years.

Ready? Maybe

I have officially been finished with exams for 10 days now! And incredulously I've been out and about for all 10 days. This is definitely the most productive holiday (in terms of socialising) I've had since... well since probably year 10. I'm glad I decided to take advantage of everyone wanting to go out because I'll be working for the next 3 weeks up in whoop whoop. By whoop whoop, I really mean Pioneer/Brandon. That is a whole 14 hour drive away from my home! There's no internet but I certainly hope there is air con.

I'll be working on a sugar mill (in case you don't know what that does, it's the whole process whereby sugar canes grown on farms are converted into edible sugar we see in our supermarkets). Sugar milling is a seasonal process so I think I'll be doing a lot of maintenance work Sugar milling is definitely not an industry I even gave half a thought about throughout my 4 years of study. It's probably not something I'll be thinking of much after I finish my vac work either. Alas, such is life. My path is destined to cross with the history of Queensland sugar milling. This is probably not the ideal start but it's definitely a start. I hope all goes well.

** I think I'll have a lot of spare time once I start working so I can finally start blogging about the last 2 years of my life in more detail... (yes I know I've been slack).

Finding Inner Peace

I can't believe uni starts tomorrow! I have nothing ready, in fact I still don't know what classes I am taking! (Well I do but I have a backup plan which I'd prefer over this hell-is-coming-for-you semester that is currently is.) Academic life is chaotic. Career life is still non-existent. Personal life is a mess. Oh, and I am so broke. Don't even talk to me about money right now, I can't believe Vodafone is so lame. But according to Shi Fu, all you need to do is to find your inner peace and all will be well again. Okay inner peace, come to me!

Flip of a Coin?

Due to forseen circumstances I have now come to a point where a new set of decisions will need to be made. Simply the 2 options are:

1. Study part-time for 1.5 years and work part-time at the same time.
Pros: $$$. I will have a much higher chance of actually passing and doing well on my courses. More time off to develop other skills which I am obviously missing because I still have no grad job!
Cons: Extending my degree by another year.

2. Suck it up for one more semester and graduate in December. Provided I haven't failed anything this semester.
Pros: Degree is not dragged for longer.
Cons: No sleep. High probability of failing. No job. No money.

As of this moment, I am going with option 1. Of course, that would depend on whether I failed anything this semester and also if I can find a job fairly quickly. I have another month to decide so definitely sleeping on this.

Inputs? Opinions?

If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. If people throw at you sticks and stones, play a new version of scissors, paper, rock. If something gets in your way, go around it.