忙里偷闲

The title to this post is so ironically inaccurate. To be more accurate, it's more like after procrastinating most of my weekend away, I'm now up doing work at this time of the night. Though I still would like to argue that this is my ideal thinking time, I can't do mornings. Or afternoons for that matter. I'm a night person.

I was talking to a friend who is similarly struggling to get through her studies - she has to write her research thesis and it's been stalled at the introduction stage since... forever. Except I have a feeling this whole thesis thing is due not too long from now. I'm currently up doing environmental risk assessments, a projec that is due next week. I just finished my part (for now) for another project in asset management that is due tomorrow. Earlier tonight, I was done finalising yet another project for energy systems for sustainable development which is due on Thursday. Tomorrow, I'll probably be busy working on the presentation for that course too. I think I had plans to fit my mid-semester study into today (well, technically yesterday) too. A littel too much procrastination.

This got us both sighing. We both came to the conclusion that we both lacked interest in what we're doing and that is not helping with our motivations. My friend came to the conclusion that even if she was in another major, it'd still be the same. I still have the slight naive hope that if I was in another major, I would enjoy it more. I say it's naive only because my friend then went on to say that most people aren't passionate about what they do day in day out anyway, they just do it for a living, for a better life, and I must say, empirical observations prove this to be correct. But I still hold onto this hope because I just happen to stumble upon the rare few that do love what they do day in day out, which makes me want to believe that I just gotta look hard enough.

So here I am, trudging through the daily grind of engineering work, hoping to find the something that I'm looking for. Well, like my friend said, who knows, maybe I'll completely fall in love with my job once I start working as an engineer and she'll completely fall in love with hers. Or maybe it's the whole studying thing. Afterall, who has studying in their top 10 favourite past times?

When 2 Souls Meet...

It's a beautiful thing. You talk, you laugh, you share stories. Then you get married and have children. Somewhere along the way, you get sick of each other. Suddenly flaws that you have never noticed before begin to creep into your attention, and it enlarges. You get mad and you yell at each other. Some couples resolve it, others try but can't, still others go on pretending it didn't happen.

I'm not sure which of the above categories my parents fall into, but I know which one they don't fall into. In fact, I'm not even sure if they even see each other. Maybe all they're seeing a version of each other that they have subconsciously built up over the years. A version that is the worst of each other. I know what I see. I see myself. I see them and I know they haven't changed in any way. I see myself now and I know I'm taking this differently to how I did a year ago.

I questioned myself many times over the past year. Even more so when I returned with a different mindset to the same situation. I wondered whether there were more that I could have done. Maybe there was. Now I just know that if I'm the only one trying to figure things out with reason rather than angst, I might as well not bother. I feel like this is a tug of war and I'm the string.

Am I wrong to be selfish? Am I wrong to let this go? I don't know. All I know is that with each passing day, I'm losing a shred of sanity.

Funny how one can learn to grow numb to the madness and block it away. I left the worst unsaid, let it all dissipate and I try to forget. But as I closed my eyes, steadied my feet on the ground, raised my head to the sky. And though time rolled by. Still I feel like that child as I look at the moon. Maybe I grew up a little too soon.