In The Mist of Everything

Moved back into the one and only International House on Friday night. The minute my friend and I approached Pangea, I could tell I-House hasn't changed one bit (except for the cleanliness which I'm sure won't last long). Picture this: Friday night, dance lights flashing, DJ spinning the track, many people on the rooftop mingling, a few dancing, most drinking. That is I-House for you. Albeit, the normal house parties are not quite as classy as that. Maybe try no rooftop (unless you managed to befriend an exchange scholar or is drunk enough to stumble your way up to the roof); no DJ, just loud sometimes shitty music coming out from speakers that can't handle bass of any kind; a few more drunkards dancing around in the middle of the living room. Yep, that's the norm here in I-House.

First I-House party (for me personally) this year last night. First times are always a little more awkward. It was interesting to observe all the new students trying to mingle and find amongst those present people who might share the smallest sign of common interest. Since most people usually come in during the fall quarter and stay the whole year, by the time winter quarter came around (which was the time I joined) everyone pretty much knew everyone else. So it was rather amusing to see and feel this new type of vibe at I-House parties, everyone is starting to meet other people.

I met a few people, I guess in particular one Irish dude who I insisted on meeting when I found out he was Irish. It was only because I love Irish accents plus my rather strange liking for leprechauns (they're excessively green, okay.). Errr, so I'm pretty sure it was random and overboard but I still asked him whether he's seen leprechauns around. It's kind of like when people ask if us Aussies really ride kangaroos to school. No, we don't.

I also got to see a friend who just came back from exchange in Cambridge. It's always nice to catch up. Met my good friend's housemate who lived in Estonia, went on exchange to Sweden and sort of stayed there. Haha, that gave me a few ideas. I talked to her for an hour, getting to know Sweden which by the way sounds like a great place to live (minus the cold). After talking to her and the friend who went on exchange England, it just made me want to go on a second exchange even more, and perhaps stay at that country. It'd be sweet. I'm starting to formulate a plan to make that happen.

Afterwards I was just about to shower and hit the sack but then another friend dropped by so we talked for another hour. I always enjoy talking to this friend, he is hella funny and very casual. The way he tells his stories are also extremely entertaining. He really is a funny one.

Now I'm just awake. Nighttime for me is always the most active time for the emotional side of my brain to put the wheels in action. Alas, I have nothing to say about this current situation. It's... I don't know how I did not see this coming, how I did not predict the outcome. It was foolish of me, naive and foolish and certainly went against my better conscience. Well after finding out a few things, it's no longer against my better conscience, rather I would say it is against rational. I really was not thinking of what it could take away from me at the time, now I'm not sure the benefits I will get are worth what I have given up. I don't think I'm going to try and redeem myself though. (I'm not even helping with this post via the choice of words essentially but it conveys what I want the best.)

Thus in the mist of it all, I'm stuck. It's almost like an illusion. I hoping to elude the world on what's happening inside my world but at the same time I know exactly what's happening in the world. As much as I am in the wrong, I am selfishly enjoying this sense of mystery and the sense of power I have over these things. Welcome to a day in my life, not as you know it.

Ugh!

So today on the bus back to my apartment, a friend I met at the end of last quarter through another friend happened to be catching the same bus. He was with another friend and he introduced us. I talked to her the whole way back, a good 15 minutes. When we got off, she said: "It's Rui, right?". I opened my mouth to repeat her name too but it never came out! In the end all I could do was confirm her pronunciation. I had completely forgotten her name.

As soon as I got home, I went on Facebook straight away to find the friend I met last quarter (whose name I almost forgot too ><) and then I searched through all his friends to find the one I met on the bus. (By the way, it's totally not called stalking.) The sad part is after I scrolled through all 300-something of his friends, twice, none of the names ring a bell.

Now I'm just annoyed at my lack of a short term memory. I don't mean slightly annoyed and forget about it. I mean I'm extremely annoyed and it's getting on my nerve type of annoyed. Damnit, this always happens to me.

Stuck

• Stuck on a piece of homework. (Been there plenty of times. orz)
• Stuck up?  
• Stuck on you. (Back in the days when I still listened to the radio and watched MVs.) 
• Stuck in the mud! (I remember playing that in primary school.)

But I think some people are just stuck in the past. Might I remind myself and others that the past is gone. Unless you can figure out crazy physics that even Stephen Hawking cannot figure out, you cannot go back in time and change the past.

I'm liking this whole dot point thing, makes me feel like a lazy engineer who cannot write to save their live XD.

~

In Sheer Boredom

I'm dying from major laughing right now. I just cannot... This is too hilarious. Read this (only if you're bored too). I'm loving the title "Emancipation of Moo Moo". That's just too much for me to take, I cracked so hard at this title. Then there is this. I am amused to say the least. Speaks so much truth.

In all seriousness though, THIS, is what I loved the most. I happened to come across it while reading the first link I posted above. Sometimes you just have to be glad at coincidences.That post goes beyond music, it's about humanity.

Read this too (and the comments if you have time).

Having spent half my life in Australia, I have not really had much problems with the whole skin colour/race issues. I'm not saying Australia don't have its own issues (the most prominent would of course be issues in regard to Aboriginals). Here in America though, skin/race is a huge issue. I had my first taste of this at UCSD in March. That incident caused so much drama - the protests, the uproars, the support. I'm not what is sadder - the fact that someone legitimately didn't realise that hanging that thing in the library would be an offense or that out of a school of 30,000 people, only that many people showed up for support. What someone said onstage was very true, despite all that was happening, people were still going around like nothing is happening, walking around the mass of people to get to class. Now I'm not saying that education is not important, but this event is education of real life shit that they don't teach you at school, shit that makes you double take and really think how much society has really progressed.

If you don't know (and I'm sure many of you won't), MC is biracial. You might think that's not as much of a problem as being completely African American, but it is. I might even begin to say that it is slightly worse for them than for African Americans.

“There’s never been a time when I didn’t spell out exactly what I am. But for some, I was still just a white girl. To others, I was a black girl who was just passing… It’s easy to take shots at me. No one feels like they need to protect me… If I was two shades darker, there’d have been people protesting for me.”
  -MC

You only need to do a little research on her childhood and past and listen to some of her album songs to realise how much effect this has on her. Nonetheless, this post is not to sympathise with MC, it is to question why people do this. Are we not all human beings? Made from albeit not the same DNA sequence but the same basic building blocks? Do we not all share this planet? Do we not all breath air, drink water and eat? Do we all not have hearts that beat til the day we die? I simply do not understand. I understand that not everyone's capacity to love and embrace is the same, but that does not mean we have to hate and discriminate. What good does it do to you? Apparently it makes people feel better and safer about themselves. God, what kind of sick minded people are these? I don not study psychology so I don't know the explanation behind that reasoning. What I do know is that people suffered from this, still do.

Funny how frustrated some people get just thinking about this. Yet I'm not sure what can be done except to live by example. But how many people can you affect? You must be delusional if you think that you alone with your actions can influence the rest of the world. The butterfly effect is only valid in selective cases. I'm being not being negative, just making a rational judgement based on history. As much contribution as Martin Luther King Jr. has made in his living years, the problem although appears less severe on the surface, still boils underneath. So really, what can you do?

There are other issues other than race, hungry and thirsty anyone? I don't even want to start on this. While half the world lives in luxury, yes luxury, relatively speaking (which is the true concept of luxury anyway, no?), the other half barely has enough food and water to feed their hunger let alone be full. Scientifically speaking, why has the world of luxury distribution not reached an equilibrium? I'm not saying that I've done anything big about this, nor have I given up obtaining any of my luxury goods to help the cause but I'm not ignorant and oblivious to the problem. There are many in the world who are, these people need some real education. At least being conscious of it will make you do something, however small, about it. Perhaps for those, ignorance is bliss.

What can you do? Do exactly what Martin Luther King did, do as much as you can. You may not make a difference, you might affect a handful of people, or you could influence the whole world. Whatever the case, never give up, I ain't giving up, I refuse.

Panda Express

I am currently rejoicing on the inside at having obtained the last scoop of Orange Chicken and Beijing Beef from Panda Express for dinner. For those of you who don't know what Panda Express is, it is basically the fastfood version of a proper Chinese meal. A lot more oil, a lot more MSG, completely drenched in sour that is way too salty for the health of my heart but sadly it is the only thing left open at the Price Centre.

So why am I still at uni? Because I am stuck in lab. Probably until 11/12pm. I should be happy that I have my own projects already after only having worked in the lab for 2 months. Wait, I am happy and feel extremely lucky (as Aereas keeps reminding me ><). It is great experience for future lab work, applying what I've learnt in class and presentation skills (lab presentations).

The problem is the long hours. Most of the time, I am in the lab 10-12 hours everyday. If I had to do this for everyday of my life, I think I'd die. Not only am I stuck indoors, I am stuck indoors for long periods of time. I can't even tell whether it's sunny, cloudy or raining outside these days. Baaaaah.

We were just saying that we'll be getting a futon in the lab because one of the guys didn't have a place to sleep on when he works late. He even had his sleeping bag in the lab, and it was used.

Being a research scientist is bleak if you don't like it. You're always stuck indoors, you're always reading in your spare time, and a lot of the time the work you do isn't even that exciting.

I knew this wasn't for me, but had to try to know for sure.

What Am I Doing Here?

When I should be writing cover letters for vac work applications?

Honestly, I have absolutely no motivation for half the shit I'm trying to apply for. The closer I have approached to the period when I have to find vac work, the more I realise how much I am not suited for engineering.

First off, engineering was not something that I settled upon since I was a kid. In fact, I was so set on NOT doing engineering that I totally opted not to take Maths C in high school figuring that I will NEVER do an engineering degree. Looks like someone ate their words.

How I made my decision to do engineering was questionably not entirely my own. When it was time to decide what I wanted to do in uni, I seriously had absolutely zero clue. I had a chat with my dad and he suggested biotech since it's on the rise and predicted to grow exponentially. I had the foresight to see that it won't grow THAT exponentially (my dad tends to exaggerate sometimes). So I figured I'd go with a safer option - chemical & biological engineering.

I like to play safe. So having the chemical part to fall back on in case the biological part didn't work out seemed like such a brilliant idea. I was also under the illusion (and I say illusion because I now know that it is untrue) that I have much love for biology. I very much enjoyed every bit of the tiniest contact we made with bioengineering concepts during high school biology. I thought it was extremely cool the things that you could do with bioengineering. For example, I wrote my essay on how inserting a fluorescence gene from another creature into a modified vector and then injecting that into a mouse will then make the fluoresce. Cool, no?

Now here is where I start pointing out all the things that is wrong about this decision. Firstly, I decided to put chemistry and maths together. A big no no. Maths was my lowest grade in high school, chemistry the second lowest. And i am not talking about the whole Asian low. I am talking about I got a C on my maths for most of grade 12 and just managed to pull it back up to a B with my last 2 tests of the year. Chemistry, no need to say more. I never fully understood everything. Also, problem solving is by far the weakest link in all my tests. Aren't these the most important skills and knowledge for my said degree? I thought I could pull it through with my biology.

So there I was, off to study chemical & biological engineering (and really, it is not as fancy as the name suggests), having done very little research on the future implications of taking this degree and every less research on how to survive the engineering industry. This sounds so typical of me.

The first year I'd say was a breeze. Totally thought uni would be strict like high school, went to lectures (not too say I was awake through all of them, but at least I was there physically) and tutorials every week as required in the first semester. Ended up getting three 7s and a 6. I'd say that is not bad, an average GPA of 6.75 out of 7. Totally stoked and pumped up for second semester. Except I got slightly too acquainted with how uni works so I started skipping lectures in my second semester. And got a bit cocky with thermodynamics after I fully aced the mid-term. Not smart. But still, acceptable grades.

I should've noticed the warning signs in my first year though. The whole Matlab business (I am not cut for computer softwares, I'm telling you/myself now). I thought it wasn't important so the assignments were pretty much helped along by other people. Needless to say, I learnt shit nothing about Matlab. The other warning sign was my failure to do well on the thermodynamics final with my lack of studying. I think a true engineer should be able to do well even on occasions where they are caught off guard. This was one of them and I did not cope well with that.

Continuing into second year, more lecture skipping, more slacking. I should've realised that the lack of motivation is correlated with the lack of interest. It was also because I feel my parents won't approve if I changed my major. I didn't know what I would've changed it to either. All the stuff I want to do I either know I am not built for it or am lacking some major skill of some sort for the basic entry into the degree. For example: astronomy, no way in hell will I be able to deal with all the maths and physics; architecture but I never did any Autocad before and nor am I particularly good at drawing, no make that I do not know how to draw; interior design, besides the obvious my-parents-will-kill-me-if-I-did there is again the previous fact that I do not know how to draw; travel agent but that don't even require a uni degree and my parents would have definitely murdered me if I did that. The next closest thing I should've considered was environmental engineering.

I was just getting through classes. The only motivation for what I do is that I need to pass or my parents will kill me. Plus, I wanted desperately to get out of uni ASAP. I hate studying. Especially studying for the sake of passing tests and assignments. Yet that was my only motivation. I thought that I will grow to at least like what I'm doing, my mum convinced me of that. Nope. Not happening.

Now here I am, almost done with 3rd year, the time where most engineering students start looking for vac work. I am trying to do the same. Have been rejected by several companies already. Not giving up because I cannot afford to. But the more cover letters I write, the more I am thinking that "WTF? Do I really want to be doing what these jobs are doing?" The truth is I don't. I tried so hard to convince myself that I do but it's all bullshit.

The other option would be to go with the bioengineering pathway. That would most likely involve a graduate degree as well as research. Eeek. Like I said, the least schooling I go through the better. It's not that I don't like learning, it's just that everytime I step into a classroom to learn for something that counts, I lose much of my motivation.

As for research, I had a hunch that I wouldn't like it much (since I hate being stuck indoors). I decided to give that a go when I got introduced to a position at a lab my friend worked in. It was a Stem Cell Engineering and Biomaterials Lab. I thought it would be the perfect lab since I was interested in stem cell engineering AND biomaterials so I was ultra excited to be working there. Having worked there for almost 2 months now, I come to the realisation that research and lab is definitely NOT where I want to be headed. It is mundane. I will not say that the research is pointless, I will just say that I lack the patience and the foresight into the overall goal of how these research will help the society.

This doesn't leave me with much choice. I considered changing to environmental but I'm afraid that the same thing will happen. And let me tell you, it will. I don't think I'll be so radical as to change to one of those my-parents-will-kill-me careers. The only other option is to change my headspace. Ok heavenly gods, time to show that you actually exist.

Now really, how did I ever end up in this mess?

Coach

Nope, not that kind of coach, I'm talking about THE Coach. You know, the really famous, expensive brand for handbags, wallets etc. Well, the story is that yesterday I (well we because it was me and my dad) managed to purchase 14 Coach items at the outlet. It was insanity I tell you. Absolute insanity. First off, I have never in my life carried so many handbags in one hand. In fact, I have never even been shopping for a handbag before. The one and only handbag I own (incidentally, it is a Coach) is one my mum got me a few months ago when she went shopping so I didn't exactly shop for it.

It was insane because we bought so much at once. It was insane how many other people were there also going crazy over handbags. It was insane that my mum insisted that I call her to confirm what styles I got even if it was in the middle of the night in Australia. And it was. I called her at 4am. And many phone calls/texts followed such that it lasted til 7am and she was still texting me about the handbags. I'm pretty sure she had work that day. It was also insane how much money was spent on these handbags. I mean sure they look good, they're fashionable, they're versatile but really? People would spend thousands of dollars on these things? At once too? The last time I spent that much money at once was when I was paying for my car rego and insurance. The time before that was buying graduation gifts for friends.

That got me thinking - what would happen if the money was spent on something else? Something a little more productive? I guess you could argue that all this spending is stimulating the economy (not that I would even care that much about the American economy since I don't live here permanently). And I'm not even trying to be righteous here (because let's face it, I'm just a huge hypocrite) since I have the same desire to splurge, just not on handbags. But if we just put away $5/$10 every week... At least that was my reasoning for convincing myself that I could afford to make a small monthly donation to the Heart Foundation.

I'm in the pun mood so I could say the the title could be a reference to my "coaching" of how to control your desire to splurge but you really cannot call it that because this is not even close to being some kind of preaching, just random thoughts I have sometimes. Ok, I think it's better if I just leave if as Coach, the handbag brand.