Part Somewhere-In-Between: The Explanation, The Experiment

My original idea was to post in chronological order. I guess not anymore because there are things I need to say now.

In case you haven't noticed, there has been a slight change on my Facebook info. (Well, you know what they say, "it ain't official until it's on Facebook.") Hold on, before you start thinking "so she's doing this just for a Facebook status!?" No, I'm not. I wouldn't have put it up on Facebook but I figured that it'd make Knight happy and seeing as I've decided to make a commitment, I should perhaps put an effort into maintaining this relationship.

I think I put the everyone in a frenzy and probably rendered a few of you utterly speechless, literally. I'm pretty sure I put Knight's mind on a joyride too. I, on the other hand, was probably a little too calm about something this big. Both inside and out. You'll see why.

Some questions I know some of you are dying to have answered.

How?!
Yeah, I got that one like a gazillion times already (ignore the exaggeration because even though physically it wasn't a gazillion times, it feels like a gazillions times). Well I'm not quite sure how other people generally decide on these things, what happened certainly was not movie/drama-esque. Not even close. It's quite accurate to say that we had a talk and this is where we ended up.

Do I hear a request for details? T'was I who initiated this discussion. Within this discussion, which spanned 2 days (time difference, we didn't literally talk for 2 days straight), I asked him a lot of questions. Such as why he likes me, why he still likes me despite the numerous times I have turned him down, etc. These questions I received satisfactory answers for. Of course, he had questions for me too.

I have interacted with Knight enough to know that he's a good guy. He's nice to everyone. He also has qualities I hope to find in a guy, more specifically long term partner. At this stage, it's safe to say he is quite 专一, tick. Attention to detail, tick. High tolerance, tick. He knows how to cook, big tick. We also share some common interests. But some of his antics also annoy the shit out of me, although I found out recently where some of it comes from. He also lacks a few major qualities I'm looking for, I won't say what these are because I don't want to manipulate anyone to become my ideals.

I weighed the pros and cons, the pros won.

Why, why now?
That's a good question posed by Bonnie. Firstly, why. And this is where Santi and Ahmed comes in.

Santi, mi buen amigo! I don't think I ever told you this but to me, you're like a big brother I never :). Why did I come to talk to you about all that stuff? It just felt right. And I was surprised to see how open you were with me. Like you said, we are similar in many ways, especially the way we calculate our every step. Not to every minor detail, but just enough so we can roughly estimate where we're going to land. (Gosh, how I detest details, this is why I ain't ever going to be no scientist.)

Then you told me about the game. The game of life. The steps you've taken, the observations you saw. At the time, I only agreed with some of your propositions. I have long toyed with the idea that life is just a game. Despite that, I still clung tightly to the idea that life is not a game so I never let myself go fully. You, however, entered the game yourself, but portraying many characters which provoke certain events to occur within a situation. I never had the courage to take that step, until now. I'm very conscious of what others see me as and what their expectations are of me.

This is where "The Fuckin' Terrorist" aka Ahmed enters the story (don't worry, you were always in the story, just sidelining until the perfect moment :P). First stop, Seaworld. Man, you had me in confusion that whole freakin' day! Your confrontations were nothing short of intimidating (as were your straight-forwardness). But I'm glad for them because you pushed for specificity, something that I never bother with. You dug deeper and deeper, that much deeper than anyone else, in fact, that you also got some surprising results. (And you better keep them private too.) Next stop, the mall! I couldn't believe you actually took me there to "repackage" me. I ain't quite as monotonous as you think but still, I agree with a need for change, and I am changing. I've been wearing them tank tops and skinny jeans (no matter how uncomfortable they are! :P). Oh and you'd be glad to know that your getting together with S also contributed to my decision.

In addition, I believe I met someone who was very successful in forging meaningful relationships - Jezli. No, never too much credit because I'm making up for the lack of credit that you give yourself.(So why are you so militantly harsh on yourself? Where is all this self pressure coming from?)

I was impressed/in awe with the company you kept and hence asked you to blog about the "relationships" topic, hoping I could learn something handy. Then in one of your posts with the letter, I was struck at how familiar that situation sounded, eventually I realised that I am in that situation too! Except role reversal, I was the ignorant one. This made me reassess my situation. I figured that I wasn't completely oblivious to all that the other party feels, I just decided to ignore it because I didn't quite know how to handle it.

I don't know, I still think you should send that letter because otherwise you would never know. You might still not know the answer even if you sent it, but at least you tried. (By the way, apologies again for not living up to expectations, I don't deal well with expectations.)

So after I met these enlighteners, I decided it was time to do something. Something drastic. Something totally unexpected. (I still did my calculations though.) I was/am extremely curious to see how people will react, how I will react and where this will lead.

Open relationship?
What this genrally entails is that either party is still free to seek out other potential partners. Actually, Knight thought an "open relationship" was revealing the relationship to the public as opposed to a "relationship" where it's just the two of us that knows. Sorry Knight, definitely weren't on the same page with this one. He says he won't be on the lookout and hopes that I do the same, sorry mate, that is something that I definitely cannot guarantee. So now I've decided to change my definition of an "open relationship" to open to interpretations. Also, I'm not sure how this will turn out so 1) I don't want to fully commit myself until I can sense what it's headed; and 2) because of the previous reason, I don't want to give you too much false hope yet again.

~~~

This probably sounds like a game to you, and you know what? I ain't going to lie, it is a game. I am in this as a player, and I am going to play until I figure out what I want to do. I may lose respect from some people, I will most likely hurt the feelings of some, but I will not stop playing because of that. This time, I'm going to play, make mistakes, not care (too much) about the consequences of these mistakes and stop only when I have verified all that I need verifications for. Unfortunately, I learn things that much better by doing and faulting.

I. The Ironies of Life

I have always thought life was ironic, especially mine.

I don't know where to start. I have grown into the habit of writing and thinking of everything in an abstract way. It takes less energy that way (since for a given system it is thermodynamically favourable for entropy to increase). Ironically, I dislike it when I am the one who has to piece the bits together.

I have also grown into the habit of disguising everything I feel in one way or another. Subtlety is perhaps my fondest tool. What's ironic is that I can never pick up subtlety from someone else so I don't like it when people are being subtle to me.

Do you know what else is ironic? The dislike I have of being stuck in the middle. Yet my favourite number is 5, smack bang halfway between 0 and 10. Every opinion I give, it has always been mid-range, not bad, not great, it's good. But I have learnt that being in the middle has its advantage - you can see both sides equally well.

I have a strong belief in being free. But over the years, I have subconsciously developed rules that I have placed on myself and those around me. I remember vowing to always, always have an open mind in every situation, but the social norms I follow, the cultural traditions that I obey, the rules that I have set for my sister for what I believe will make her “better” in my opinion are a contradiction to that very belief.

Let me share this angry little statement I wrote at 2:21am this morning (try 4 weeks ago, now 2 months ago??) while trying to find the 'off' button to my brain.

---
It's ironic how I've made the same mistake I have recognised as the ultimate culprit in an everlasting issue.

As much as I love subtlety, I believe some things need to be said out loud, loud and clear. Silence will only perpetuate the problem.

You gave me a shovel, did you expect me to just hold it in my hands for decorations' sake? Yes Knight, I am talking to you and I know you were referring to me in your blog as "someone". Excuse my utter stupidity but I didn't quite realise you still felt that way about me because I can't f***in' read people's minds, especially when they're 15,000km away on the other half of the globe.

I take complete absolute blame on everything that has gone wrong in my life, including this. But you know what I've learnt over the years? It takes two hands to clap.
---

That was 2 months ago. I was rather pissed off that night and lack of sleep probably didn’t help. Still, I think anger makes for honesty about things I usually wouldn’t be honest about. Let’s be open here.

At the Intersection

The question is not "to cross or not to cross" but rather, which way to cross.
.

*Please ignore the appalling-ness of the drawing, I never use Paint and I cannot draw for nuts and nor am I extremely computer literate.

So let me explain the diagram. You've arrived at the intersection where the pedestrian lights to cross horizontally is about to turn green. There presents 2 options...

Option #1
You cross at the lights horizontally and then wait for the lights again to cross vertically for destination.

If you pick this option, you wouldn't have to wait for the lights initially but the wait for the vertical lights is unknown but with a definite value.

Option #2
You wait for the vertical lights to turn, cross and then jaywalk across the road horizontally for destination.

If you pick this option, you would have to wait for the lights initially, then you may/may not have to wait to cross the road horizontally depending on the traffic density which is unknown and with no set value.

Both ways will evenutally get you to your destination.
~~~

This isn't a trick question, it's just a thought I had when I was confronted with this situation. It's kind of like an everyday analogy of life in general. We approach intersections everyday and within a set time frame, we make a choice about which way we would go. The choice we make depends largely on our priorities and past experiences/knowledge.

Say if I was in a hurry, I would perhaps pick option #2 becuase it would save me the wait on the second light and I know that I am an experienced jaywalker there is a higher possibility of me crossing the road even in high traffic density (true because I come from China where people compete with cars on the roads).

But if I was just going for a stroll on a Sunday afternoon and not in a hurry, I may be more likely to choose option #1 because I don't want to take the risk of possibly being hit by a car. Plus it's more relaxing to walk slowly than to rush.

Perhaps there even exists a 3rd, 4th or even 5th option that I have not seen. Who knows.

The juggling of all criteria in one's mind is a complex process and takes time. Alas, time is not always on our side and the choices we make sometimes is rushed and not well thought out. Or maybe we've had too much time on our hands and have over-thought about our options. Either way, there ain't no way back, even if we backtrack to the original spot, the situation presented to us is not the same. The time of occurence is different, the traffic density is different, your mindset is different, your body is feeling differently - all these things will change the outcome.

As Eason sings: "That's just life". Take it or leave it.

Destiny?

As a child I was fascinated by the stars (still am) and inevitably got slightly caught up with astrology also.

I have on several ocassions read online articles about my star sign and the supposed personality that is linked. I am always surprised at how accurate those things are.

So last night I got bored and googled Pisces. (No wait, I was not bored, I was extremely tired actually but for some unknown reason had the urge to do this.) I figured I might make my analysis a blog post and a record for the future moi that may read this.

Black is the article. Purple denotes my comments.

~~~

Pisceans possess a gentle, patient, malleable nature. Errr... patient?? You might want to check that again. If there ever was one thing I lack, it's patience. They have many generous qualities and are friendly (I hope I am), good natured (Oui.), kind (Depends to who.) and compassionate (I try to be), sensitive to the feelings of those around them (This is definitely true, I always end up overthinking too much about the tiniest details on how my comments/actions would make other people feel.), and respond with the utmost sympathy and tact to any suffering they encounter (Sympathy, yes. Tact, I wish! If I had more tact I think I wouldn't feel so bad about the way I've handled some situations). They are deservedly popular with all kinds of people (Wrong! Not to be offensive but I really don't think there's much diversity in my friendship group.), partly because their easygoing (I think this is their way of saying that I'm lazy), affectionate, submissive natures (Easily manipulated? Yes.) offer no threat or challenge to stronger and more exuberant characters (i.e. You won't have to worry that I'll take over your job.). They accept the people around them and the circumstances in which they find themselves rather than trying to adapt them to suit themselves, and they patiently wait for problems to sort themselves out rather than take the initiative in solving them. This whole sentence is so true I have no words against it. I am extremely accepting of everyone I meet and like to see the good in everything. 退一步海阔天空。I sometimes wish this quality of mine would rub off on some people. However, I think the lack of initiative in solving problems would come back and haunt me in many cases. (Plus all interviews ask if you have taken the initiative in something ><). They are more readily concerned with the problems of others than with their own. Solving other people's problems seem so much easier to solve than my own. Plus, I'm still waiting for my own problems to solve itself out.

Their natures tend to be too otherworldly for the practical purposes of living in this world as it is. OMG, so true ==" I am always dreaming of extremely idealistic but extremely unrealistic ways of doing things. They sometimes exist emotionally rather than rationally, instinctively more than intellectually (depending on how they are aspected). As an engineer I don't think that's a good thing but a lot of the times I do let my emotions or instincts get the better of me at first, rationalising comes in later. They long to be recognized as greatly creative. I only wish I was creative, somewhere along the line, I lost all creativity. They also dislike disciple and confinement. Again, so true! I really dislike Jehovah's witnesses in general. I know most of them are good people, but I always believe action speaks louder than words. Stop trying to convert me by shoving the Bible under my nose and telling me how accurate the book is and how great God is and how he is going to solve all the problems. I don't give a jack's ass. If you really want to convert me, why don't you do something about the problems instead. The nine-to-five life is not for them. Any rebellion they make against convention is personal, however, as they often times do not have the energy or motivation to battle against the Establishment. Yep, no motivation, you got that right. Now I can use the excuse that I was born with this lack of motivation.

Pisceans tend to withdraw into a dream world (More than correct. This is perhaps something I should do less of.) where their qualities can bring mental satisfaction and sometimes, fame and financial reward for they are extremely gifted artistically (Hoping this will be realised one day.). They are also versatile (Tend to agree.) and intuitive, have quick understanding, observe and listen well (Quick understanding, probably not so much. Observe, depends if I am interested or not. Listen well, definitely not), and are receptive to new ideas and atmospheres (That really depends, I try to be most of the time though.). All these factors can combine to produce remarkable creativity in literature, music and art. They may count among their gifts mediumistic qualities which can give them a feeling that their best work comes from outside themselves, "Whispered beyond the misted curtains, screening this world from that." Even when they cannot express themselves creatively they have a greater than average instinct for, and love of, beauty in art and nature, a catlike appreciation of luxury and pleasure, and a yearning for new sensations and travel to remote, exotic places. And I still maintain that any good stuff I've done are flukes. I do indeed enjoy the beauty, especially of nature. Hahaha, catlike appreciation of luxury and pleasure. Good lord, if only I could refute that statement, unfortunately I can't. This bothers me in that it goes against my other half of conscience. So much self discipline would be required to restrain me from straying too far into this part of my inbuilt tendencies. I want to travel, one day, when I earn enough money... Swtizerland, Ireland, India, Egypt, Madagascar, Amazon.

They are never egotistical in their personal relationships and give more than they ask from their friends. I think that should always be the basis in every relationship, be ready to give more than you receive. Although this didn't say that I don't expect more from friends, it's just that I don't ask. They are sexually delicate, in the extreme almost asexual, and most Pisceans would want a relationship in which the partner's mind and spirit rather than the body resonated with their own. Unfortunately they can be easily misled by a lover who courts them delicately and in marriage makes them unhappy by a coarser sexuality than they expected. They are nevertheless intensely loyal and home-loving and will remain faithful. This part is good to know, even though I can't verify any of it yet. I'll keep it in mind for future reference.

In their employment they are better working either by themselves or in subordinate positions. Their talents are individual in a commercial business or similar undertaking. They would be afraid to manage more than a small department, worrying always that they would fail in a crisis. (My exact thoughts.) They can make fair secretaries and bookkeepers.
Their sympathy equips them for work in charities catering for the needy, as nurses looking after the sick and as veterinary surgeons caring for animals. As librarians or astronomers they can satisfy their mental wanderlust, and their fondness for "faraway places with strange-sounding names" may turn them into sailors or travellers. (I used to always want to be an astronomer! Or an archaeologist so that I could travel to all these cool places and still have a job.) Many architects and lawyers are Pisceans, and when the creative abilities are combined with gifts of imitation and the ability to enter into the feelings of others, Pisceans find their fulfillment on the stage. Their psychic and spiritual qualities can lead them into careers in the church or as mediums and mystics. They may find an outlet for their creativity as caterers, and are said to make good detectives because they can imagine themselves in the place of criminals and understand how their minds would work. In technical occupations they are well employed in dealing with anaesthetics, fluids, gases and plastics. (Oh good, I was hoping to find work in the wastewater industry or do something with polymers when I graduate. I guess my sign suits such work.) Because of their lively versatility and inability to concentrate overmuch on any one project, Pisceans often simultaneously follow more than one occupation. (If only there was more hours to a day and that I could funcion with less sleep!)

LIKES * Solitude to dream in (101% true.) * Mystery in all its guises (I enjoy all kinds of mysteries.) * Anything discarded to stay discarded (Maybe not...) * The ridiculous (I'm sure everyone does.) * like to get 'lost' (I'm not sure what kind of "lost" they mean here but I do like to be lost in my own thoughts and feelings.) DISLIKES * the obvious (Clearly don't like to have the obvious to be pointed out.) * being criticized (I don't have a particularly thick skin. I do however, look for constructive criticism.) * feeling all at sea about something (I would prefer if I knew what's going on.) * know-it-alls (I like Hermione, even though she's a know-it-all. I have several know-it-all friends. Untrue.) * pedantry (I don't have enough patience for such acts.)

~~~

Back then, I didn't want to be fully immersed in astrology just because I didn't want my actions to be affected by this predefined "destiny". But now as I look back and compare, I come to realise how much of this predefined destiny is true. Sometimes it makes me wonder whether there really is destiny or not.