Lost

Damnit Hotmail! You did not just delete 2 years of my memory without even warning me. Asdswepxc'[dsd! Screw. You. Too!

Ok, so that was NOT what I was going to blog about but as I was going back to my old blog...

Right, a sudden stroke of brilliance hit me, I just remembered that I linked my old blog in my first post here. So I went and clicked on the link and it led me to a page with instructions from Spaces on how to move your blog or download it. Excellent! I am now happily saving my old blog onto my laptop! Yippee!

~ ~ ~
Luckily, the title I typed out of anger/panic is still relatively relevant. After reading back on some old blog entries I have come to the realisation of "WHERE THE FUCK DID RUI GO?!!". Whatever little shred of humour I had before have now completely abandoned me, left me alone in this world of grey to curl up in a corner and cry. Fine, be that way, I'll go find someone new. Pffft. It's not like you're the only thing that makes people laugh at me.

Another realisation is how mundane my life was/is. School work, school work and more school work. With a pinch of procrastination and a splash of work work. I don't think I ever had the time, environment or mindset to do anything other than those three things. I think this year I've had a lot more free time due to living only 10 minutes away from my classrooms as well as not having to care as much about my grades.

However, in saying that, I believe I've spent a good majority of that extra free time this last few months thinking about the same freaking thing! The truth is I am still deliberating on what I should do. The truth is, it is about time I started thinking about responsibilities and taking risks. The truth is I am finally slowly starting to face myself and what is ahead of me. But the ultimate truth is I think I have commitment issues!

It's not so much that I will not commit but more that I will be less inclined to commit unless I know 100% for sure that I will be getting some sort of benefit out of it. What can I say, I'm just a realist. I don't like to invest unless I know I will be making a profit. This is probably why I have yet to make a decision but rather have been strolling up and down the hall of decision-making for the last half a year. But you know what? I'm done with all the strolling, tired of the same ol' scenery, it is about freaking time I committed to one direction and give it my all. 不幸的是我完全冇好好地计划，而且还半路杀出个程咬金。

由现在开始要好好想个详细的计划，要坚定，要果断，最紧要的是不可以拖泥带水！


Peace out (off).

The Bullshit Artist

You know what I've decided today? Life is all about bullshitting.

I've come to notice that a lot of successful people really don't know much about anything in particular. Except bullshitting. They are so good at bullshitting that they are able to convince people that they actually know what they are talking about.

Bullshitting is an art. You must not only convince others, but you must bullshit yourself to the degree where you, yourself, are convinced that what you are saying is true.Thus the first step is to learn how to bullshit yourself. This is all in the mind.

Once you have bullshitted yourself, the next step is to bullshit others. Because if you can bullshit others, you will be able to achieve many things. This is only achievable if you have fully mastered how to bullshit yourself.

Okay self, time to start learning how to bullshit your mind. I think some people call that mind-fucking. But I don't like excess use of the f word so I will stick with bullshit.

感情的疑问

问世间情为何物？

我还以为这问题我早就有了答案，可现在我的答案正在被质疑。或许我只想求证一下我所定的答案而走出这一步。

无感觉又何来有情意呢？

虽然我之前从没拍过拖，但是我想象中的感觉和我现在的矛盾是非常不相称。或者可以这样说，我以前经验过的爱和这次的“爱”并不相似，甚至可以说是相反的感觉。我也曾经尝试过解释我这个想法给他听，他说我对他有偏见、对他的爱有防备。当时我确实是有这样做，所以我让他说服了我。可是我总有个直觉告诉我就算我改也是无补于事的。

我写了封超长的信给他，信里我可说写了一千个拒绝的理由。他阅读完以后说他不介意，他愿意等。十年、二十年？我自己也不清楚我需要多长的时间才能完成我的心愿。说真的，很大可能我需要付出我一辈子来做我想要做的事。我想正确的反应因该是感动。换一个人我或许会感动的。当他这样说我有感动过，可这不是第一反应，我的第一个反应是恼怒。怎么会有人这么的顽固、这么的不识趣呢？

说了很多话，很多反复无数的话后，我们终于达到了决定。更贴切的因该是说我决定去尝试。或许时间能改变我的感觉？或许缩短距离会有不一样的效果？Why not give it a try? 正所谓日久生情嘛。

今天跟一位朋友吃了晚饭。谈阿谈，谈到感情方面来了。不得不说我对我这位朋友是有保留的。认识了这么久，现在才开始看通一点点她的动机。可是她真的很有能力，一眼就看的出我心是想什么，一眼就看的出我是否真心过。我没话可说，因为我内心知道她说的虽然残酷，但却是现实。我真的想真心的说“时间可以改变一切”，可是从我口中说出来却没说服力。我知道你说出来的话如要有说服力一定要你内心相信才可以说服别人。这真的说明了我内心真正的想法。我已经非常努力的在说服我自己了。

走出了第一步，我没有后悔过，只不过付出的代价实在是我想象中以外的。({Potentially) 错的决定一个接一个，回头是不可能的事了，最多只能把伤害度减到最低。但最大的遗憾是伤害了无辜的朋友，这个错我无法原谅自己，因为是无法补救、无法挽回的错，就算时间可以冲淡一切，却不能回到最初的那种感觉。

我想我知道真感情是怎样的，因为我曾为真感情流过泪，而到今为之我还没为这所谓的“爱”流过一滴泪。

I have made many mistakes in my life, but there are just two mistakes I would like to unmake. One made 6 years ago, the other several months ago.

I know I am lucky; I know I should be reacting differently, but I'm not; I am trying very very hard to convince myself, convince myself to change my mind, convince myself to believe that time will change things.

我知道当我发布这篇文章后，又会有不少重复多时的问题象子弹一样的向我的方向发射过来，可是我累了，我只想直言直语的把我所想的一切毫无保留的说一次。唯一还没说出口的是我衷心的道歉，让我找个适当的机会我会亲口的解释、道歉。

My Tongue

Sometime, somehow, somewhere, I managed to bite the side of my tongue (only on the underside too :S) such that it's right where my rows of teeth meet. So it's been swollen/sore/starting to restrict my eating for the past week.

Half the time now I feel like I'm about to eat my own tongue because of the way I'm trying to hold it away from the teeth. Apparently there are creams that you can put on to help it heal faster. Gosh, the wonders of medicine. I will try it as soon as I get my hands on that magical cream.

So I was telling my friend about this and she said that she's had the same thing before and she think it's from a lack of sleep. Could be the case but I'm pretty sure I've had less sleep before. Perhaps not on such a consistent basis though.

In conclusion, I need to get that cream on ASAP so that I can start eating proper food again. Also maybe sleep more. Or maybe I should train myself such that I don't need as much sleep.

Reparo! (Does that work on humans or only on non-living things??)

Indecisive

Whatever Jescka said about me being indecisive hit the nail on the head. Then again, I have this innate stubbornness that sometimes gets in the way. I no longer have that much time on my hand but I'm now making time to think about these things.

虽然我写的是悲，可是我不悲。
虽然我写的很多，可是只有几句才是我最想说的。
虽然我说的不多，可是我想法不少。
虽然我认为是错的，可是我还是做了。(Just because I can?)

Speaking in riddles again. I find amusement in that, sometimes content. Oftentimes what I do conflicts what I want. Or rather, what I want fluctuates, oscillates like a sin/cos function. This is the indecisiveness that Jescka speaks of.

又或者我根本不需要。人需要些什么？生或是活？你，我，他？传统，习惯还是个性？性格是你的还是别人的？原则可以改变吗？变了就代表你不够坚定吗？当你有你的坚持为何说是你倔强？错了是不可以弥补的，对的就一定要鼓掌吗？发生在他人身上的就一定会发生在你身上吗？问那么多干吗？反正不同的人有不相同的答案。为什么我这么介意所听的答案？

最近开始阅读林夕(老爷)写的 “原来你非不快乐”。还没看多少，但是已经有不少的佛理。夕爷写给千嬅最有佛性的逃不过 “电光幻影”，当中有两句我今天终于明白是什么意思了。人存在只想为了求证。而遗憾都只为了求证。

Perhaps that is why we are living (or maybe just surviving)? To prove ourselves. To prove what we believe is true. To prove we exist.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Dear Time,

  Why do I always seem to be having a fight with you? You never want to go the way I want you to go. That is okay though because you and I are not one entity. However, could you try to at least try to be sympathetic (sometimes)?

  I'm going to bed. You can do whatever you like while I am sleeping, just don't wake me up. Hmm, that is all.

(Not My) Best Regards,
Rui

惭愧

昨天终于找到一个适合我的中文课了！对这堂课我很满意，觉得对我的虽求比较贴切。今天做功课时不得不想起以前在中国上校学的那三年。如今我20岁做的功课相当于我当年7/8岁做的。惭愧的是我现在的中文水品比以前的还要差！-_- 20岁的我写的句子还不如8岁的我写的。以前我是小学生就开始做功课做到深夜，现在的我不但做功课的时间缩短了，而且睡得比小学时更早。以前的努力消失了，演变成现在的无心无力。真惭愧！

Ok, 练习完毕！又是睡觉的时候了。今天我睡太多了。><

There Is A Reason

Dear Mother,

There is a reason why I am still here and not back home.
There is a reason why I never discuss or consult anything with you.
There is a reason why I am impatient with you (although I am an extremely impatient person to begin with).

Despite all this there is a reason why I still call you my mother.

TBC.

Oh Santa

So MC is finally releasing another Christmas album after 16 years! I am very excited about this project. I have already pre-ordered my copy on Amazon. I might get a DVD version too.

The new single Oh Santa premiered today on the web. It's not another All I Want For Christmas Is You but it definitely holds its own ground. I must say though, the beginning reminded me very much of Hey Mickey. It's rather catchy but I still need time for it to grow on me. I can't say it's bad but I was expecting a more classy production. I think there's too much going on in the background and I can hardly hear MC sing at times.

So I am looking forward to this album, Merry Christmas II You, a lot since there will be 4 original songs written by MC including Oh Santa.

If you're not familiar with MC's last Christmas album (which I'm sure many people aren't), there were 3 original songs on there written by MC, including the infamous classic All I Want For Christmas Is You. There is also Miss You Most (one of my all time favourite) and Jesus Born On This Day.

I think the only time I have ever felt the urge to become Christian is when I listen to MC sing. Her gospel songs are freaking amazing.



  

I cannot wait until it's Christmas!