Being Alone and Not Alone

I think we all have had issues at one point or another with being alone or feeling alone. A lot of people probably feel ashamed in some respect to say that they are lonely? I know I have at one stage felt that way too. But we all have to realise that the need to be with people and not feel alone is very much human nature. We can't help feeling that way no matter how much we try to suppress that feeling. 

The concept of being lonely is actually rather complex (at least to me it is). I feel that part of a song's lyrics perfectly describes how I feel about the concept of loneliness. 

“孤单是一个人的狂欢。狂欢是一群人的孤单”

Translation (please excuse my amateur translations): 

"Loneliness is one person's joyousness. Joyousness is a group of people's loneliness."

A lot of the times I enjoy being alone and not having to deal with people. Dealing with people and handling various types of relationships is definitely not one of my strengths. Though I suppose we are all a work in progress in this department, it's just that I feel like I started to work on this part of myself rather late so I always feel like I am behind. 

However, there have been numerous times when I have felt rather alone. I believe this is a combination of me being not very good at relationship-building and also chose to and is not very good at expressing how I really feel. The reason (or at least what I think is the reason) for the two factors is for another post. Anyhow, the point is I am not very good with words, especially words of expression. So since I cannot accurately describe how I feel most of the time, I just chose not to so as to save me the pain of explaining. 

My personal remedy for feeling alone is listening to music because I usually find the lyrics aptly describe how I feel, which is why I use lyrics to express myself a lot on here. Also because I find that if I just let myself fully submerge in that feeling of loneliness for a few hours, I can better detach myself from that feeling later. 

I believe that the normal remedy for other more normal people is talking to friends. Most people use the term "best friends". I will be telling the truth when I say that I have never had a "best friend" because I've always believed that you cannot distinguish that one friend is "better" than another. The term also gives me the connotation that if you are "best friends" then you are exclusive. I don't believe friendship should be exclusive. I prefer the term "close friends" to "best friends". Sorry for the detour, what I really wanted to say is that I have always felt that expressing such sentiments openly leaves me exposed and vulnerable. It's not that I don't trust my friends, it's more that I don't trust society.

 

I am now getting better at being all exposed and vulnerable but I still sometimes try to side step feeling vulnerable by using "substitutive terms" to loneliness such as boredom. But really we all know loneliness and boredom is not quite the same. My nature is to be passive so you gotta be proactive with me or I'll just keep avoiding it.

Actually I've always wondered whether other people feel the same way. You're at a large party/group gathering during which you are very high and interactive. But as soon as you leave the crowd, you feel empty, 空虚。Sometimes this makes me wonder what it is I really want. I think the answer is you don't need a lot of friends, you just need a few close friends. 

I will leave you with a quote I stole today while watching a father teach his children the lessons of life (as in this was from YouTube).

“财富不是一辈子的朋友，朋友绝对是你一辈子的财富。”

 "Money and treasure is not a lifelong friend but friends are a lifelong treasure for sure."

Stereotypes

We always tend to categorise and stereotype anything new we see/experience. After spending the last two days on site, I have today come to a conclusion that a certain stereotype regarding genders is true. Essentially in the sugar mill, you can sort of separate the plant into 3 different areas: engineering, the actual operation of the plant and laboratory testing of samples from various parts of the process and to make sure that the farmers are being paid what they should be. 

I've spent half the day in the engineering office actually working - female-wise, there is only myself as an engineer on this site. I've spent majority of yesterday and today in the plant itself and have met at least half of the operators - all of which are males, I've also only seen perhaps 2-3 female operators so far. Having just been introduced to the lab this afternoon, it is fairly safe to say that everyone in there are female.

From my observations, my conclusion was that the stereotype of males do the hard labour and thinking jobs while females do the soft, nothing too brain-consuming jobs is true. I may or may not have offended some people here and I know for a fact that this is NOT always true. It just so happens that on this site, I feel that this stereotype holds.

***

I wish coffee worked, or something does. Every morning at 8am we have a meeting and every time I am struggling to stay focused.

Settling In

Work hours: 7am to 3:50pm. (So early!)
Project: collecting mud samples from various points of the process and determining their purity. (Meh)
Housemates: one really cute guy and one rather nerdy and super quiet guy.
Town: might as well be nothing, at least I don't have to try and decide whether to "explore" the town or not.
People in general: very very nice and extremely knowledgeable in the sugar industry.
Connection to the outside world: phone has no reception but the housemates do have wifi here. (Hence why I'm here.)

Verdict: I don't really see myself staying here in the long term scheme of things. Actually I'm kinda glad this is only for 3 weeks and not 3 months so I dunno how I would've handled it if I actually took their grad offer and stayed here for 3 years.

Ready? Maybe

I have officially been finished with exams for 10 days now! And incredulously I've been out and about for all 10 days. This is definitely the most productive holiday (in terms of socialising) I've had since... well since probably year 10. I'm glad I decided to take advantage of everyone wanting to go out because I'll be working for the next 3 weeks up in whoop whoop. By whoop whoop, I really mean Pioneer/Brandon. That is a whole 14 hour drive away from my home! There's no internet but I certainly hope there is air con.

I'll be working on a sugar mill (in case you don't know what that does, it's the whole process whereby sugar canes grown on farms are converted into edible sugar we see in our supermarkets). Sugar milling is a seasonal process so I think I'll be doing a lot of maintenance work Sugar milling is definitely not an industry I even gave half a thought about throughout my 4 years of study. It's probably not something I'll be thinking of much after I finish my vac work either. Alas, such is life. My path is destined to cross with the history of Queensland sugar milling. This is probably not the ideal start but it's definitely a start. I hope all goes well.

** I think I'll have a lot of spare time once I start working so I can finally start blogging about the last 2 years of my life in more detail... (yes I know I've been slack).

Finding Inner Peace

I can't believe uni starts tomorrow! I have nothing ready, in fact I still don't know what classes I am taking! (Well I do but I have a backup plan which I'd prefer over this hell-is-coming-for-you semester that is currently is.) Academic life is chaotic. Career life is still non-existent. Personal life is a mess. Oh, and I am so broke. Don't even talk to me about money right now, I can't believe Vodafone is so lame. But according to Shi Fu, all you need to do is to find your inner peace and all will be well again. Okay inner peace, come to me!

Flip of a Coin?

Due to forseen circumstances I have now come to a point where a new set of decisions will need to be made. Simply the 2 options are:

1. Study part-time for 1.5 years and work part-time at the same time.
Pros: $$$. I will have a much higher chance of actually passing and doing well on my courses. More time off to develop other skills which I am obviously missing because I still have no grad job!
Cons: Extending my degree by another year.

2. Suck it up for one more semester and graduate in December. Provided I haven't failed anything this semester.
Pros: Degree is not dragged for longer.
Cons: No sleep. High probability of failing. No job. No money.

As of this moment, I am going with option 1. Of course, that would depend on whether I failed anything this semester and also if I can find a job fairly quickly. I have another month to decide so definitely sleeping on this.

Inputs? Opinions?

If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. If people throw at you sticks and stones, play a new version of scissors, paper, rock. If something gets in your way, go around it.

Judgement Day

Big day tomorrow. But I shall definitely not let fear and nervousness get in the way. So far I've managed to maintain a good mentality over this. Actually, I must say I'm really excited for what's in store. Whatever the outcome, it's going to be a step forward. Wish me luck! Or more importantly, wish that I'll be on time -_-

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage and confidence in doing."

Cool Stuff!

Ever since that bio class back in high school about genetically modified mice that glow in the dark, I have been fascinated by the idea of bioengineering and biotechnology (plus at the time I had a particular obsession with glow-in-the-dark things). I even spent the last 3 years doing chemical/biological engineering. But the shitty degree offered at UQ (which they have recently improved for future students. Jealous!), my lack of time and money plus the fact that biotech although prominent within the academic circle is not really at the forefront of the general society means I've dropped the double major.

This morning as I was researching for my prac report, I came across an article titled "Biological removal of cationic fission products from nuclear wastewater". I thought this is such a brilliant idea. And it just makes me wish that UQ had a better degree when I started. Yes, I know I complained about working in a lab in the US but I was on exchange, who wants to work when you can play (well, that is my defence anyway). Though I must say that if I wasn't on exchange, and that I had better background knowledge in the stuff we did, I probably would have complained a lot less.

Oh well, maybe sometime in the future when I have more money I might actually do a PhD. Maybe. Otherwise it's part of my Plan B2 if my Plan A doesn't pan out.

~~~
* NB. I have come to realise that cool concepts don't always work out as nicely in reality, at least not without many, many more years of research. And cool concepts always turn out to be super expensive which doesn't help. (Unless I'm doing my project completely wrong.)

Complex, Vast but Beautiful

I have a midterm in 1 day. I have procrastinated my entire 2 days away. As much as I try to focus on the imminent task, my heart and my mind is just not here. Firstly, it is incredibly frustrating that it's taking me so long to understand these concepts and all the equations I need. Secondly, I am so over studying these days. I am not interested in what we are learning, full stop. And right now it really is not a top priority of mine, as weird as that sounds.

I'm graduating at the end of this year. That means it's time to really contemplate what I should do once I graduate (provided I don't fail anything). I have given so much thought into this over the past year and even more so the last few months. There are just so many options out there: work, travel, volunteer, more study, start my own business? After rationally (fine, sometime irrationally) going through each option I have finally come to the conclusion that the only practical option I have at this point is to work. Which brings me back to my procrastination. Because I am always worrying about hearing back from companies, I am always thinking of back up plans in case I can't find a job. The problem is that I can't do anything about this anymore because I have finished sending in all my applications so now all I can do is worry. I know I really shouldn't let this get in my head but I really think the rest of my life depends on finding this first job. (Okay, a tad exaggeration but it feels like it does.)

But that is not what this post is supposed to be about. So during one of my (many) procrastination bouts, I decided to dust off the cobwebs on my blogging world. I caught up on some of the new posts that friends have posted during my absence. I have had a blog for many years now, I have always enjoyed writing blog posts. I have always loved reading other people's blog posts because I think it's such a great avenue to get to know that person on a different level. Some people express a sense of humour that they never show in person, others take the mickey out of everything, some contemplate life in a more serious way, and some use their blog as a way to raise awareness of issues they feel are important in the world. Whatever the purpose is, it is fascinating to see the thoughts that go on in each person's head. 

Today, reading all these blog posts, it made me realise (even though it's such an obvious thing) and appreciate just how different every person is, yet how we all have the same thoughts and go through the same emotions. I like that everyone has the same vulnerable thoughts about themselves, I like that we all appreciate the same small things in life and I like that we all have the same big (but different) futures we have painted for ourselves. I realised that we are all just trying to survive, trying to make our life that much better and that much more unique. It gives me life to see there is so much life out there. Nobody told us life was going to be cruisy, nobody said it will be sunshine everyday, and certainly nobody put in a definition of life that is has to predictable. So whatever you do (or don't do), just never forget to live.

忙里偷闲

The title to this post is so ironically inaccurate. To be more accurate, it's more like after procrastinating most of my weekend away, I'm now up doing work at this time of the night. Though I still would like to argue that this is my ideal thinking time, I can't do mornings. Or afternoons for that matter. I'm a night person.

I was talking to a friend who is similarly struggling to get through her studies - she has to write her research thesis and it's been stalled at the introduction stage since... forever. Except I have a feeling this whole thesis thing is due not too long from now. I'm currently up doing environmental risk assessments, a projec that is due next week. I just finished my part (for now) for another project in asset management that is due tomorrow. Earlier tonight, I was done finalising yet another project for energy systems for sustainable development which is due on Thursday. Tomorrow, I'll probably be busy working on the presentation for that course too. I think I had plans to fit my mid-semester study into today (well, technically yesterday) too. A littel too much procrastination.

This got us both sighing. We both came to the conclusion that we both lacked interest in what we're doing and that is not helping with our motivations. My friend came to the conclusion that even if she was in another major, it'd still be the same. I still have the slight naive hope that if I was in another major, I would enjoy it more. I say it's naive only because my friend then went on to say that most people aren't passionate about what they do day in day out anyway, they just do it for a living, for a better life, and I must say, empirical observations prove this to be correct. But I still hold onto this hope because I just happen to stumble upon the rare few that do love what they do day in day out, which makes me want to believe that I just gotta look hard enough.

So here I am, trudging through the daily grind of engineering work, hoping to find the something that I'm looking for. Well, like my friend said, who knows, maybe I'll completely fall in love with my job once I start working as an engineer and she'll completely fall in love with hers. Or maybe it's the whole studying thing. Afterall, who has studying in their top 10 favourite past times?

When 2 Souls Meet...

It's a beautiful thing. You talk, you laugh, you share stories. Then you get married and have children. Somewhere along the way, you get sick of each other. Suddenly flaws that you have never noticed before begin to creep into your attention, and it enlarges. You get mad and you yell at each other. Some couples resolve it, others try but can't, still others go on pretending it didn't happen.

I'm not sure which of the above categories my parents fall into, but I know which one they don't fall into. In fact, I'm not even sure if they even see each other. Maybe all they're seeing a version of each other that they have subconsciously built up over the years. A version that is the worst of each other. I know what I see. I see myself. I see them and I know they haven't changed in any way. I see myself now and I know I'm taking this differently to how I did a year ago.

I questioned myself many times over the past year. Even more so when I returned with a different mindset to the same situation. I wondered whether there were more that I could have done. Maybe there was. Now I just know that if I'm the only one trying to figure things out with reason rather than angst, I might as well not bother. I feel like this is a tug of war and I'm the string.

Am I wrong to be selfish? Am I wrong to let this go? I don't know. All I know is that with each passing day, I'm losing a shred of sanity.

Funny how one can learn to grow numb to the madness and block it away. I left the worst unsaid, let it all dissipate and I try to forget. But as I closed my eyes, steadied my feet on the ground, raised my head to the sky. And though time rolled by. Still I feel like that child as I look at the moon. Maybe I grew up a little too soon.

Anxiously Excited

It's the first day of school again tomorrow! Gosh, I just spent the past day cleaning out my room/s. I think I always have this mentality that I will eventually need a textbook, or a notebook, or some sort of worksheet, or a projet I did, or just general junk for nostalgia sometime in the future because every time I clean my room, I always pull out so much shit. Then there are cards, gifts, souvenirs that I decide to reorder and repack every time. I'm quickly running out of storage space.

So it'll be my 4th year starting in less than 10 hours! Excited? Yes because I cannot wait to graduate. It's not that I dislike learning, it's just that I dislike the way things get taught, the whole teaching environment. Also, I feel like I learn better by doing hands on stuff. Plus, I like getting paid.

I'm also extremely anxious because I've been hearing a lot about how many people have failed some sort of 3rd year engineering course. Also not helping with things is the fact that I've decided to take on 5 classes this semster. That is more than full time load and I've never tried that before. I guess it's time I try it before I graduate, huh? It'll definitely be interesting because I'm going in with a new work ethic after coming back from exchange. (Let's see how long this holds up.)

Another thing that's making me anxious is the fact that I really need to get a ton of networking done this year because I'll finally be needing that resource when I start job hunting at the end of the semester. This is a slightly daunting task for me since I'm not the social butterfly that you see dominating these networking events. In fact, I dread meeting new people. I must say going on exchange have trained me to be slightly better at this. Not having done vac work in my 3rd year might have also put me at a disadvantage although my academic advisor says I could have this work in my favour.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my new school year and the end of my one year long holiday!

22.2

With Age Comes Wisdom

The irony of all of this is that I killed (not directly) 5 trees today (plus two baby birds).

Anyways, hope this new wisdom shows itself soon because I need some light. 

Wrong Flight

Lately it's been raining like crazy every single day. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of days it's not been raining since I have gotten back to Australia. This makes me think that I have somehow gotten on a wrong flight (in one of my many connecting flights) and have ended up somewhere in the UK instead. For whatever reason, the UK also happen to have a house exactly like mine in Australia, with the same people, and the same neighbourhood. So tomorrow I'm getting on a flight to go back to the real Australia where it's supposed to be summer, full of sunshine, mozzies and stars.

Meanwhile I decided to go on the world wide web to search for the reasons behind this above average (to put it mildly) rainfall. Some people think that it's the La Nina effect: where the air surface pressure is lower than normal in western Pacific which allows warm water to elevate to the surface. With the evaporation of this warm water, clouds form and the trade winds blow these clouds all the way over to the east coast of Australia, causing torrential downpour. La Nina is the opposite effect of El Nino which is what some people say have caused the draught for the last couple of years. Anyways, instead of reading my bullshit, you should check out wiki yourselves.

With this, I would like to ask a question, why does everything have symmetries?