Y'all Know It's Christmas!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS! It doesn't matter that my family don't celebrate it that much, all I know is that whenever Christmas comes, I'm a happy kid. I love the lights, I love the Christmas trees, I love all forms of Christmas decorations and I love most the spirit of Christmas! So spread the love, spread the joy and spread the laughter!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL ON THIS BEAUTIFUL EARTH! MAKE IT MERRY OR ELSE!

Legend

Irish legend has it that at the end of every rainbow, there lies a pot of gold. So elusive is that pot of gold though that nonone has ever found it.

I would however, like to claim that I have found the pot of gold. The gold not in gold form but rather I found it in the form of people. For all those who have listened to me rant on and on about things, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I understand that I'm not the only one going through things so it is truly kind of you all to sit there and listen to me go on about things that you shouldn't worry about.

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.

If I cannot repay all your kindness, I hope to pass it on to others who need it.

I think I love leprechauns because they're so green. 

Finger

I was fortunate enough to be born with the middle finger. In fact, both middle fingers. And today I would like to make full use of them. Here's a huge fuck you with both my middle fingers. You know who you are.

I don't think I have ever felt so frustrated in my life about anything. Today everything that I needed to resolve resulted in frustration. Patience is a virtue I am slowly acquiring. For now though, all I would like to do is tell you all to go fuck yourselves. Leave me out of it.

Nope

You know when you believe a certain notion/feel a certain way but you try to convince yourself that you believe/feel otherwise?

I tried very very hard to convince myself that I'm ready to leave the US but as the end draws ever nearer, I cannot deny that deep down, I'm really not ready to leave yet.I can't believe it's been almost one year already. I feel like I've just settled in, I have barely scratched the surface of this culture, I haven't even learnt how to juggle doing a thousand things at once like everyone else yet! This whole year has been so much greater than any other years I've spent in university.

I'm going to miss a lot of things after I leave. I'm going to miss waking up 30 minutes before class and still not be late for it. I tried to tell myself that I'll go back to enjoying my 3 hour commuting time everyday but really, that just means 3 hours less of sleep. I'm going to miss walking down library walk and seeing all the stalls. I'm going to miss seeing all these random events around campus and I'm going to miss rocking up to these random events spontaneously. I'm going to miss walking around campus at the dead of the night with friends just enjoying the silence. I'm going to miss walking to Goody's at 12:30am knowing that it's still open and getting some Ben & Jerry's to eat while we watched the stupidest things online. I'm going to miss going to the gym randomly to play racket ball and table tennis. I'm going to miss the privilege of stepping out of my apartment, walking 10 steps and I'll be at a friend's apartment.

But really, what I'm going to miss the most are all the good friends I've made here. I usually don't cry (at least not in public) but when everyone left at the end of last quarter, I cried. Now it's my turn to leave. I will try not to cry but I can't say I will have more control of my tears this time around. This time, I'm gone for good. No more extending (even if I tried), no more trying to make this last longer.

I'm not saying life in Brisbane is bad, it's just that it's a completely different lifestyle here, a better lifestyle. Or let me put it this way, even though I've been away for a whole year now, I don't feel like I've missed much back home, whereas I know that I will feel like I'm missing a lot even after one quarter away from UCSD. Let's just say life here is just that much more interesting and exciting than life back home. This place is better than back home, this place is home.

Sad Panda :'(

~~~
This is also suppose to foreshadow another near future event. The inevitable event, as I'd like to call it in my mind.

Running

What the hell?? It's freaking 3am and I'm still not tired??! This is so unusual. Plus I'm only running on less than 6 hours of sleep. Well, whatever it is that I'm running on right now, I wouldn't mind having more so that I can sleep less and still operate properly. Honestly as much as I love sleeping, it is such a time-waster. So if somehow I could train myself to function on say 5 or so hours of sleep every day, I'd be extremely happy because I'd have all these extra hours of awake-ness.

So for the last few weeks I've sort of kept at a constant rate of exercise (i.e. dodgeball mainly) and after all the running I did yesterday, I'm still feeling pretty good and not much soreness. It feels so good to be semi-fit again because I feel like I have so much more energy! Might continue this weekly recreational sport thing going when I head back. Right now I'm thinking either table tennis or racquet ball. Or maybe even Futsal if I can get a team going. Freaking need to stop being so lazy >< I seriously think that my lack of fitness is why I get sick everytime I go back to China (plus the pollution).

Lately I've been reading some zen articles. Today I finally understood and applied a principle in Buddhism. 平常心。以平常心对待一切。我发现真的很有用！Sometimes I think I should just go and become a 尼姑。Might do me some good.

Survival Instincts

Back in the days (and I mean waaaaay back), the sole purpose of a human being was to survive. Everything you did was a step towards ensuring your survival. Not just the survival of you now, but the survival of your future via your genes. The question of "why is survival so important?" is not up to me to decipher, rather I want to note the evolution of our survival techniques.

At the dawn of time, humans, or rather, the female species would handpick a mate to pass their genes on with. The criteria: strong. The male species had to be strong physically: to provide a sense of security for the female and to provide protection for the unborned child. They also had to be strong mentally thus a higher level of colonial leadership is desirable. The techniques used by the female species to attract potential mates were primordial. One example is female species singing to attract a male counterpart.

This topic of thought stemmed from last night while I (or should I say everyone else but I) was preparing for a ball on a cruise ship (sounding fancy already). The ball was scheduled to start at midnight but I had to be ready for rides by 10pm. The morning of the ball, I went shopping with a couple of friends for a dress (yes I know, the usual last minute dash even for something like this). I found not one, but two dresses which I bought. (Mind you, I only bought two because I had no idea which one would look better and the friends I went shopping with weren't exactly the biggest fashion experts I knew. So I took them both figuring I will have a better chance of finding a "right dress".) I thought about getting a jacket with the dress since I anticipated that it will be freezing on a boat at that time of the night. Except I couldn't find anything that suited or was within my price range, so I decided to risk it and hope that I can borrow something from someone. That was me done for the ball prep - shoes (flats I bought for an interview), dress and coat. I was set.

At 9pm that night, I figured it was almost time to get ready for the ball. In my mind I had everything planned out, 5 minutes to throw on the dress, 1 minute to put on the flats, I managed to borrow a coat from my roommate which will take me another minute to put on, then 5 minutes to try and do something with what I call "my Harry Potter hair" (because like Harry's hair, mine always grows back to the way it was within a very short time frame of getting a haircut.). Done. 12 minutes. That gives me plenty of time to stroll my way across the school to where the ride pickups were.

So at 9:11pm, I walked back to my apartment to grab all the things I needed (which wasn't much). I was getting dressed at friends' apartment, which by the way, was filled with girls (and a guy). Mistake number one, if you are me, never get dressed for anything fancy with female friends. Since none of them were going to the ball, they decided that it would make up for their non-attendance by dressing me up. Great. Girls + any fancy occasion = dress + heels + makeup + hair + purse/handbag (+ date?). The only good thing I see out of it was that it could be summed up in a nice mathematical statement.

Actually happenings:
9:15pm: Walked back into friends' apartment. Tried on one dress (which everyone except one thought was the better choice), got opinions, was exhorted into trying on the second dress. In my head: do I have to??? Fine, second dress goes on. General approval. Next step!
9:25pm: Flats. Collective disapproval. Jezli brings down one of her favourite pair of heels. ashlasdgoh! I had a slight heart attack when I saw that thing. It was freaking higher than the Eiffel Tower! My heart furiously prayed that I wouldn't fit into those heels. Nope, no such luck. Perfect fit. These heels are dangerous in more than one way: dangerously high and dangerously painful (latter part I did not find out until I walked in them for 30 minutes). I guess this is what people call a pair of "killer heels". You literally could kill someone with that, if  the pain of wearing it doesn't kill you first.
9:33pm: Makeup time. Alice: "let's put makeup on Rui!" -_- Thanks mate. Since I don't own any makeup, Hyun brought out her makeup kit. Drew some stuff on my eyes. "Open eyes." "Close eyes." "Look up." "Don't blink." I still haven't figured out what all the different eye products do: eyeliner, mascara, and whatever else there is out there. All I know is that my eyes were tearing up from all these disturbances to its perpetual peace. I'll remind myself to tell my past self the answer to "why do females do this to their eyes?" if I ever stumble upon the answer. Fortunately, no foundation and all that other face stuff was necessary because my skin was deemed acceptable without it. Excellent, that would've taken another 15 minutes I'm sure.
9:45pm: Hyun brings out her straightener. Jo brings down her hair curler. Hyun attempts to do something about my hair, couldn't handle its Potter-ness, hands over to Jezli who spents a good 15+ minutes trying to make it curl inward at the ends. Meanwhile, I was trying to talk my way out of those killer heels. Jo brought down her pair of shorter (but still just as high as the Eiffel Tower) heels. Damn feet wouldn't fit. Fine, keeping the killer heels. Also, a friend who was going to the ball texts when I will be ready. Me: "Soon, hopefully."
9:55pm: I send Alice to my apartment to try and find my ticket and get my other handbag. Thanks mate! (No sarcasm intended this time.)
10:03pm: Ready to leave. Hold up, photo time! Fail, I don't think I'll ever make it into the modeling world if simply for my lack of poses.
10:05pm: Packs the pair of flats into my handbag, puts on killer heels and wobbles like a drunkard out of the apartment, mumbling "no thanks" to Seto's offer to drive me to where the rides were. No point in wasting these killer heels and gas, I thought.
10:11pm: Takes me a whole friggin' 6 minutes to walk down/wobble along (that latter is more accurate, I'd say) the stretch of I-Walk to the Great Hall where my friend was waiting.
10:25pm: I am usually never late for things, on time, but never late.Tonight was an exception.

When I finally got into a car to go to downtown, my feet were already ready for its obituary. I really really do not know how Jezli walks in these but I admire her bravery/skill. I think I spent a majority of the night noting down what all the girls were wearing: their dresses, their makeup , and their heels. I don't know how long these girls invested in finding a dress and how much they paid for it, all I know was that there wasn't really a dress that I thought stood out definitively. I actually have no idea how to spot the difference between good and bad makeup; only the difference between none, just right or overkill. Some people had serious overkill. I think mine was overkill also. And the heels. I think the killer heels were pretty up there in height but seriously, not long into the night, a lot of the girls were already walking bare-footed with heels in hand. I made it into 3/4 of the night before I gave up on murdering my feet.

This leads to the question of "why put all this time, effort and money into dressing up for such an event?". I'll tell you why, underneath all that disguise, it's really just your subconscious basic survival instincts trying to attract that coveted male counterpart. The criteria might be slightly more detailed and finicky, the tools by which the female species use to attract potential candidates are slightly more sophisticated and versatile, nonetheless, in the end, it's just your instincts telling you that you need to pass on your genes via some worthy person. Lust, love? Whatever, these are just words invented by the human kind to disguise the drab reality that is survival. Then again, I think that humans have now evolved to a point where survival is just a side dish to compliment the main course, the main course is to live, love and enjoy. Apparently all that preparation is part of living, loving and enjoying.

I guess I'm not living, loving and enjoying my life then. Or perhaps I lack the basic survival instincts. What do you think is the case?

(This could lead to some interesting experiments. I think it's time to become a guinea pig. For the sake of human kind.)

Fate

In a previous post, I stated that I do not believe in fate. Of course, like many things, what I say is not exactly what I believe. Just now, a very tiny but self-induced connection occurred in my head. The afterthought associated with this event is extremely amusing though. Kind of made me think that this is all fate.

I randomly started playing Hangman on a website and the first time I played, the word (that I did not get) reminded me of so many things. Maybe you can take a guess at the word: _ _ I _ _ _. Hint: there's an i in there somewhere. Basically after I got over my "damn it!" moment, my afterthought was: "Man, this IS the death of me!". The subject of this word has been bothering me for quite a while now!

I think in the end as a friend reminded me, everything happens for a reason. Lessons can be learnt from this.

~

Going Off On A Tangent

You know one of those (many) times when you click on the link to a Youtube video with the sole intention of watching just that one video but when the video finishes and the related links pop up, you find one that catches your eye so you click on it. Then another. And another. The next thing you know, it's already way past your bedtime.

Like Youtubing, (yes I think that word should be officially inducted into the Oxford English Dictionary, as well as other words such as Googling, Facebooking and Tweeting), this whole year has been full of tangent-surfing. I go in looking for one thing, I end up in a cave full of things I do not even know existed. The more I walk into that cave, the more tangents I come across. It's like the Never Ending Story, but this is the never ending string of tangents.


These tangents are so very welcoming and what's even more welcoming is the amount of time and effort I can afford to relish at exploring these tangents.


~~~
Also, I want my MC CD. I can't believe most of the sites don't have an illegal copy yet. I think they've kept this under the wrap fairly well.

Lost

Damnit Hotmail! You did not just delete 2 years of my memory without even warning me. Asdswepxc'[dsd! Screw. You. Too!

Ok, so that was NOT what I was going to blog about but as I was going back to my old blog...

Right, a sudden stroke of brilliance hit me, I just remembered that I linked my old blog in my first post here. So I went and clicked on the link and it led me to a page with instructions from Spaces on how to move your blog or download it. Excellent! I am now happily saving my old blog onto my laptop! Yippee!

~ ~ ~
Luckily, the title I typed out of anger/panic is still relatively relevant. After reading back on some old blog entries I have come to the realisation of "WHERE THE FUCK DID RUI GO?!!". Whatever little shred of humour I had before have now completely abandoned me, left me alone in this world of grey to curl up in a corner and cry. Fine, be that way, I'll go find someone new. Pffft. It's not like you're the only thing that makes people laugh at me.

Another realisation is how mundane my life was/is. School work, school work and more school work. With a pinch of procrastination and a splash of work work. I don't think I ever had the time, environment or mindset to do anything other than those three things. I think this year I've had a lot more free time due to living only 10 minutes away from my classrooms as well as not having to care as much about my grades.

However, in saying that, I believe I've spent a good majority of that extra free time this last few months thinking about the same freaking thing! The truth is I am still deliberating on what I should do. The truth is, it is about time I started thinking about responsibilities and taking risks. The truth is I am finally slowly starting to face myself and what is ahead of me. But the ultimate truth is I think I have commitment issues!

It's not so much that I will not commit but more that I will be less inclined to commit unless I know 100% for sure that I will be getting some sort of benefit out of it. What can I say, I'm just a realist. I don't like to invest unless I know I will be making a profit. This is probably why I have yet to make a decision but rather have been strolling up and down the hall of decision-making for the last half a year. But you know what? I'm done with all the strolling, tired of the same ol' scenery, it is about freaking time I committed to one direction and give it my all. 不幸的是我完全冇好好地计划，而且还半路杀出个程咬金。

由现在开始要好好想个详细的计划，要坚定，要果断，最紧要的是不可以拖泥带水！


Peace out (off).

The Bullshit Artist

You know what I've decided today? Life is all about bullshitting.

I've come to notice that a lot of successful people really don't know much about anything in particular. Except bullshitting. They are so good at bullshitting that they are able to convince people that they actually know what they are talking about.

Bullshitting is an art. You must not only convince others, but you must bullshit yourself to the degree where you, yourself, are convinced that what you are saying is true.Thus the first step is to learn how to bullshit yourself. This is all in the mind.

Once you have bullshitted yourself, the next step is to bullshit others. Because if you can bullshit others, you will be able to achieve many things. This is only achievable if you have fully mastered how to bullshit yourself.

Okay self, time to start learning how to bullshit your mind. I think some people call that mind-fucking. But I don't like excess use of the f word so I will stick with bullshit.

感情的疑问

问世间情为何物？

我还以为这问题我早就有了答案，可现在我的答案正在被质疑。或许我只想求证一下我所定的答案而走出这一步。

无感觉又何来有情意呢？

虽然我之前从没拍过拖，但是我想象中的感觉和我现在的矛盾是非常不相称。或者可以这样说，我以前经验过的爱和这次的“爱”并不相似，甚至可以说是相反的感觉。我也曾经尝试过解释我这个想法给他听，他说我对他有偏见、对他的爱有防备。当时我确实是有这样做，所以我让他说服了我。可是我总有个直觉告诉我就算我改也是无补于事的。

我写了封超长的信给他，信里我可说写了一千个拒绝的理由。他阅读完以后说他不介意，他愿意等。十年、二十年？我自己也不清楚我需要多长的时间才能完成我的心愿。说真的，很大可能我需要付出我一辈子来做我想要做的事。我想正确的反应因该是感动。换一个人我或许会感动的。当他这样说我有感动过，可这不是第一反应，我的第一个反应是恼怒。怎么会有人这么的顽固、这么的不识趣呢？

说了很多话，很多反复无数的话后，我们终于达到了决定。更贴切的因该是说我决定去尝试。或许时间能改变我的感觉？或许缩短距离会有不一样的效果？Why not give it a try? 正所谓日久生情嘛。

今天跟一位朋友吃了晚饭。谈阿谈，谈到感情方面来了。不得不说我对我这位朋友是有保留的。认识了这么久，现在才开始看通一点点她的动机。可是她真的很有能力，一眼就看的出我心是想什么，一眼就看的出我是否真心过。我没话可说，因为我内心知道她说的虽然残酷，但却是现实。我真的想真心的说“时间可以改变一切”，可是从我口中说出来却没说服力。我知道你说出来的话如要有说服力一定要你内心相信才可以说服别人。这真的说明了我内心真正的想法。我已经非常努力的在说服我自己了。

走出了第一步，我没有后悔过，只不过付出的代价实在是我想象中以外的。({Potentially) 错的决定一个接一个，回头是不可能的事了，最多只能把伤害度减到最低。但最大的遗憾是伤害了无辜的朋友，这个错我无法原谅自己，因为是无法补救、无法挽回的错，就算时间可以冲淡一切，却不能回到最初的那种感觉。

我想我知道真感情是怎样的，因为我曾为真感情流过泪，而到今为之我还没为这所谓的“爱”流过一滴泪。

I have made many mistakes in my life, but there are just two mistakes I would like to unmake. One made 6 years ago, the other several months ago.

I know I am lucky; I know I should be reacting differently, but I'm not; I am trying very very hard to convince myself, convince myself to change my mind, convince myself to believe that time will change things.

我知道当我发布这篇文章后，又会有不少重复多时的问题象子弹一样的向我的方向发射过来，可是我累了，我只想直言直语的把我所想的一切毫无保留的说一次。唯一还没说出口的是我衷心的道歉，让我找个适当的机会我会亲口的解释、道歉。

My Tongue

Sometime, somehow, somewhere, I managed to bite the side of my tongue (only on the underside too :S) such that it's right where my rows of teeth meet. So it's been swollen/sore/starting to restrict my eating for the past week.

Half the time now I feel like I'm about to eat my own tongue because of the way I'm trying to hold it away from the teeth. Apparently there are creams that you can put on to help it heal faster. Gosh, the wonders of medicine. I will try it as soon as I get my hands on that magical cream.

So I was telling my friend about this and she said that she's had the same thing before and she think it's from a lack of sleep. Could be the case but I'm pretty sure I've had less sleep before. Perhaps not on such a consistent basis though.

In conclusion, I need to get that cream on ASAP so that I can start eating proper food again. Also maybe sleep more. Or maybe I should train myself such that I don't need as much sleep.

Reparo! (Does that work on humans or only on non-living things??)

Indecisive

Whatever Jescka said about me being indecisive hit the nail on the head. Then again, I have this innate stubbornness that sometimes gets in the way. I no longer have that much time on my hand but I'm now making time to think about these things.

虽然我写的是悲，可是我不悲。
虽然我写的很多，可是只有几句才是我最想说的。
虽然我说的不多，可是我想法不少。
虽然我认为是错的，可是我还是做了。(Just because I can?)

Speaking in riddles again. I find amusement in that, sometimes content. Oftentimes what I do conflicts what I want. Or rather, what I want fluctuates, oscillates like a sin/cos function. This is the indecisiveness that Jescka speaks of.

又或者我根本不需要。人需要些什么？生或是活？你，我，他？传统，习惯还是个性？性格是你的还是别人的？原则可以改变吗？变了就代表你不够坚定吗？当你有你的坚持为何说是你倔强？错了是不可以弥补的，对的就一定要鼓掌吗？发生在他人身上的就一定会发生在你身上吗？问那么多干吗？反正不同的人有不相同的答案。为什么我这么介意所听的答案？

最近开始阅读林夕(老爷)写的 “原来你非不快乐”。还没看多少，但是已经有不少的佛理。夕爷写给千嬅最有佛性的逃不过 “电光幻影”，当中有两句我今天终于明白是什么意思了。人存在只想为了求证。而遗憾都只为了求证。

Perhaps that is why we are living (or maybe just surviving)? To prove ourselves. To prove what we believe is true. To prove we exist.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Dear Time,

  Why do I always seem to be having a fight with you? You never want to go the way I want you to go. That is okay though because you and I are not one entity. However, could you try to at least try to be sympathetic (sometimes)?

  I'm going to bed. You can do whatever you like while I am sleeping, just don't wake me up. Hmm, that is all.

(Not My) Best Regards,
Rui

惭愧

昨天终于找到一个适合我的中文课了！对这堂课我很满意，觉得对我的虽求比较贴切。今天做功课时不得不想起以前在中国上校学的那三年。如今我20岁做的功课相当于我当年7/8岁做的。惭愧的是我现在的中文水品比以前的还要差！-_- 20岁的我写的句子还不如8岁的我写的。以前我是小学生就开始做功课做到深夜，现在的我不但做功课的时间缩短了，而且睡得比小学时更早。以前的努力消失了，演变成现在的无心无力。真惭愧！

Ok, 练习完毕！又是睡觉的时候了。今天我睡太多了。><

There Is A Reason

Dear Mother,

There is a reason why I am still here and not back home.
There is a reason why I never discuss or consult anything with you.
There is a reason why I am impatient with you (although I am an extremely impatient person to begin with).

Despite all this there is a reason why I still call you my mother.

TBC.

Oh Santa

So MC is finally releasing another Christmas album after 16 years! I am very excited about this project. I have already pre-ordered my copy on Amazon. I might get a DVD version too.

The new single Oh Santa premiered today on the web. It's not another All I Want For Christmas Is You but it definitely holds its own ground. I must say though, the beginning reminded me very much of Hey Mickey. It's rather catchy but I still need time for it to grow on me. I can't say it's bad but I was expecting a more classy production. I think there's too much going on in the background and I can hardly hear MC sing at times.

So I am looking forward to this album, Merry Christmas II You, a lot since there will be 4 original songs written by MC including Oh Santa.

If you're not familiar with MC's last Christmas album (which I'm sure many people aren't), there were 3 original songs on there written by MC, including the infamous classic All I Want For Christmas Is You. There is also Miss You Most (one of my all time favourite) and Jesus Born On This Day.

I think the only time I have ever felt the urge to become Christian is when I listen to MC sing. Her gospel songs are freaking amazing.



  

I cannot wait until it's Christmas!

曾几何时

Dude, not sure if understand the title of this but in case you don't here's a rough translation into English "Remember when..."

So I figured I've been a bit of an ass since I left and won't be able to make up for the lost time. But here's the thing, you'll always be the only one who calls me Bum. It's copyrighted such that anyone else who even tries to call me that will have their pants sued off.

Ok, that is all. I shall not be missing our date tomorrow (my time anyway).

Because It's Sunny

So I smiled :)

First was receiving my Mariah DVD. That had me grin from ear to ear. I've seen it all before on Youtube but it's not the same as owning the DVD. Watching it makes me want to travel back in time to 1993 and just stay there and listen to that forever, but that means I won't be able to hear Daydream which would be a huge shame.

Another addition to my MC collection.

Hung out with Tiffanie and we basically ate and watched TV for a good part of the day. Watched Grey's Anatomy, Gossip Girl, and The Event. I feel like Gossip Girl is just starting to look like a soap opera and everyone is just getting with everyone else. The Event reminded me of the first episode of Lost a little bit. It was interesting enough that I am waiting to see the second episode.

Writing postcards. Self explanatory. If you don't like writing postcards, then there is something wrong with you. Period.

Watching people dance. There was a dance audition on in RIMAC tonight. Originally I wanted to play table tennis but the table was taken and my friends couldn't be bothered walking to my lab so we just hung around watching other people. I think the main reason I enjoy watching other people dance is because I feel that it compensates for my own lack of dance skills. So it just makes it even more awe-inspiring. Trust me when I say I have no sense of rhythm and beat. You have no idea how long it took my group members to teach me how to rap in tune for our grade 12th English presentation. And I still can't.

Talking with new friends underneath the stars (just to reference MC). I love meeting new people, if we click. I hate small talk. I love learning about new things from other people. Makes life that much more interesting. So tonight was a great night because I learnt a lot of new things from a new friend. He is very interesting, if anything it's because of his circumstances and how he handles it. I think I still have a lot more to learn and ask from him.

Blogging. As much as I procrastinate on blogging, I still love blogging. It's kind of soothing for me. Or it's just a good place where I can blaaaah all my random thoughts out. I sometimes don't make an effort to make the topic clear just because I like the mystery and nonsensicalness (made up word) of it all. Now I'm just blabbing.

Good night all. Sleep is good for you. So too is zen.

(Almost But Not Quite) In Retrospect

Damn, classes start tomorrow which means the quarter will be in full swing by next week! I have split feelings about the quarter starting again. On one hand I am totally excited to be starting class again because I guess I have decided that I am going in a new direction with my career (which sadly has yet to start). On the other hand, I am already getting ready to pull out my (imaginary) handkerchief to wipe away all the tears from all the goodbyes I will have to say in three months time :'(. It was sad enough saying goodbye to everyone from last year but now I've got to do it again! 

Right but before we get to that, I'm going to make the most out of the last three months! Part of me just says to screw school and do as much socialising and meeting up with old and new friends this quarter. But then the slightly more responsible part of me says I should probably work hard on my project in the lab since it could potentially become a huge paper and have important applications in many areas. Uh, but lab takes up sooo much time and I'm not even trying to get it to count for my work experience! Fine, I'll just not sleep for the next 100 days. Someone start feeding me caffeine already. 

I figured I'll be walking on a fine line of balance this quarter in terms of socialising. One extreme is the full on party, drinking socialisng which I have certainly not been avoiding (as much as last year anyway). Seeing as I am in America and many people tell me that this is the typical college life, I have decided that I should not pass it up. It's also a really good way to be acquainted with (a shitload) of I-Housers. I guess the flip side is that half the people you meet are rather intoxicated and won't remember you or your name the next morning when you walk past each other on I-Walk. Although, there are always exceptions. It's what Ahmed would call "putting yourself out there". Yes, sir! (I hope you know what you're doing!)

Tonight I went for the opposite extreme of bonfiring with a volunteer organisation, Circle K. Joining Circle K is probably the best thing I have done in my time in SD. It was really one simple action of showing up to a GBM and it eventually led to a series of things that I couldn't have asked for more. If I really want to trace things back (which I will because lately I've realised how important the seeds that you sow in the past could potentially become in the future), I guess it all benefited from attending a slightly more "party"-ish event in I-House where I met a good friend Ellen whom I eventually starting hanging out with quite a bit. Then somewhere along the line, I decided that I needed to up my résumé (trust me, I'm no saint and it was totally for selfish reasons) and volunteering always looks good on a résumé. Had I asked anyone else, the answer might've been different, but the answer Ellen gave me were Circle K and Rotaract. Then the props go to the web designer (which was Johnny I believe) and some enthusiastic members of Circle K which made me feel inclined to go to the Circle K GBM rather than the Rotaract one. 

The first GBM was what I'd call an eye opener.  (Here is the props to me since I usually would be reluctant to go to these things on my own unless it was an absolute must. Good work on deciding to go on exchange mate.) I guess UQ doesn't really have these organisations where there is so much involvement so frequently. I was drawn in by the wholesome club spirit, the unstoppable enthusiasm and the oh-so-friendly people that were there. I continued to go to subsequent meetings and events which led me to meet many great people and an insight into something completely new for me. In fact, this club is so good that it feels wrong to use it as a "marketing tool" (that's the term Wikipedia used to describe a résumé) to sell yourself to a job.

One of the important things that joining Circle K has done is landing me my lab job. If I hadn't gone to that one social event where I met Drew, I would not have known another bioengineer and found out that we were taking the same class together. If I hadn't decided to step away from  the comfort zone and do the class project with other American students instead of my two other Australian friends, I wouldn't have met Aereas. If I hadn't met Aereas, it would've been an extremely fruitless three months of summer holidays since I wouldn't have had any work the whole summer. And if i hadn't worked in the lab the whole summer, I really would not have considered changing my major so seriously. So I guess this series of events eventually had a serious consequence on my life. Well, you know what they say, exchange is a life changing experience. Sounds cliché but it's so true. 

Many other life lessons I have also learnt from joining Circle K and the subsequent events that it led to. One such lesson is learning to be people friendly. I can't say I'm the friendliest person you will meet. In fact, I have been described by other people as 酷 and mellow. I personally would call myself (extremely) lazy and antisocial at times. I usually don't particularly want to talk to people that much, if I do talk to you it's most likely because I want something from you whether it's your attention (because I'm bored) or your advice or your opinion or trying to ask for a favour. Then when I am done, you can go get lost and leave me alone. It's just me. It doesn't matter who you are, no special treatment. I'm a taker not a giver. However, I have learnt that being people friendly have many useful benefits. First, you will make many new (at first) acquaintances. Second, being people friendly will make people think that you are really nice and be more inclined to talk to you. Third, in some cases it will totally cover the fact that you really couldn't care less to talk to that person and you're only bothering because you don't want to turn it into a total bitch fight type scene. In fact, I had the (unfortunate) pleasure of experiencing that just today! All in all though, I feel like it pays better to be more friendly than not. Sometimes it isn't quite as an effort as I previously thought.

So back to tonight, I had a shitload of fun. I haven't laughed that much or hard for that long in a while. It was great going pit sitting and catching up with people, it was great meeting and talking to so many new people, it was great playing all those icebreakers and games and laughing til my stomach starts to hurt and it was great being to my first ever bonfire! I was also rather amused but sad during the car ride back to campus because of some personal realisations.

Signing off with "Drops of Jupiter". One of my favourite songs ever and I feel it is quite fitting for this entry.

But tell me, did you sail across the sun?
Did you make it to the Milky Way
To see all the lights faded
And that heaven is overrated?

Up

好明显是行到玩野。要咩就没咩。唔要嘅就样样都齊。顶你个肺。

Like Leslie rightly says: "fuck you for invading my brain!".

Life goes on. Time to get out of my bed and face the world again.

In The Mist of Everything

Moved back into the one and only International House on Friday night. The minute my friend and I approached Pangea, I could tell I-House hasn't changed one bit (except for the cleanliness which I'm sure won't last long). Picture this: Friday night, dance lights flashing, DJ spinning the track, many people on the rooftop mingling, a few dancing, most drinking. That is I-House for you. Albeit, the normal house parties are not quite as classy as that. Maybe try no rooftop (unless you managed to befriend an exchange scholar or is drunk enough to stumble your way up to the roof); no DJ, just loud sometimes shitty music coming out from speakers that can't handle bass of any kind; a few more drunkards dancing around in the middle of the living room. Yep, that's the norm here in I-House.

First I-House party (for me personally) this year last night. First times are always a little more awkward. It was interesting to observe all the new students trying to mingle and find amongst those present people who might share the smallest sign of common interest. Since most people usually come in during the fall quarter and stay the whole year, by the time winter quarter came around (which was the time I joined) everyone pretty much knew everyone else. So it was rather amusing to see and feel this new type of vibe at I-House parties, everyone is starting to meet other people.

I met a few people, I guess in particular one Irish dude who I insisted on meeting when I found out he was Irish. It was only because I love Irish accents plus my rather strange liking for leprechauns (they're excessively green, okay.). Errr, so I'm pretty sure it was random and overboard but I still asked him whether he's seen leprechauns around. It's kind of like when people ask if us Aussies really ride kangaroos to school. No, we don't.

I also got to see a friend who just came back from exchange in Cambridge. It's always nice to catch up. Met my good friend's housemate who lived in Estonia, went on exchange to Sweden and sort of stayed there. Haha, that gave me a few ideas. I talked to her for an hour, getting to know Sweden which by the way sounds like a great place to live (minus the cold). After talking to her and the friend who went on exchange England, it just made me want to go on a second exchange even more, and perhaps stay at that country. It'd be sweet. I'm starting to formulate a plan to make that happen.

Afterwards I was just about to shower and hit the sack but then another friend dropped by so we talked for another hour. I always enjoy talking to this friend, he is hella funny and very casual. The way he tells his stories are also extremely entertaining. He really is a funny one.

Now I'm just awake. Nighttime for me is always the most active time for the emotional side of my brain to put the wheels in action. Alas, I have nothing to say about this current situation. It's... I don't know how I did not see this coming, how I did not predict the outcome. It was foolish of me, naive and foolish and certainly went against my better conscience. Well after finding out a few things, it's no longer against my better conscience, rather I would say it is against rational. I really was not thinking of what it could take away from me at the time, now I'm not sure the benefits I will get are worth what I have given up. I don't think I'm going to try and redeem myself though. (I'm not even helping with this post via the choice of words essentially but it conveys what I want the best.)

Thus in the mist of it all, I'm stuck. It's almost like an illusion. I hoping to elude the world on what's happening inside my world but at the same time I know exactly what's happening in the world. As much as I am in the wrong, I am selfishly enjoying this sense of mystery and the sense of power I have over these things. Welcome to a day in my life, not as you know it.

Ugh!

So today on the bus back to my apartment, a friend I met at the end of last quarter through another friend happened to be catching the same bus. He was with another friend and he introduced us. I talked to her the whole way back, a good 15 minutes. When we got off, she said: "It's Rui, right?". I opened my mouth to repeat her name too but it never came out! In the end all I could do was confirm her pronunciation. I had completely forgotten her name.

As soon as I got home, I went on Facebook straight away to find the friend I met last quarter (whose name I almost forgot too ><) and then I searched through all his friends to find the one I met on the bus. (By the way, it's totally not called stalking.) The sad part is after I scrolled through all 300-something of his friends, twice, none of the names ring a bell.

Now I'm just annoyed at my lack of a short term memory. I don't mean slightly annoyed and forget about it. I mean I'm extremely annoyed and it's getting on my nerve type of annoyed. Damnit, this always happens to me.

Stuck

• Stuck on a piece of homework. (Been there plenty of times. orz)
• Stuck up?  
• Stuck on you. (Back in the days when I still listened to the radio and watched MVs.) 
• Stuck in the mud! (I remember playing that in primary school.)

But I think some people are just stuck in the past. Might I remind myself and others that the past is gone. Unless you can figure out crazy physics that even Stephen Hawking cannot figure out, you cannot go back in time and change the past.

I'm liking this whole dot point thing, makes me feel like a lazy engineer who cannot write to save their live XD.

~

In Sheer Boredom

I'm dying from major laughing right now. I just cannot... This is too hilarious. Read this (only if you're bored too). I'm loving the title "Emancipation of Moo Moo". That's just too much for me to take, I cracked so hard at this title. Then there is this. I am amused to say the least. Speaks so much truth.

In all seriousness though, THIS, is what I loved the most. I happened to come across it while reading the first link I posted above. Sometimes you just have to be glad at coincidences.That post goes beyond music, it's about humanity.

Read this too (and the comments if you have time).

Having spent half my life in Australia, I have not really had much problems with the whole skin colour/race issues. I'm not saying Australia don't have its own issues (the most prominent would of course be issues in regard to Aboriginals). Here in America though, skin/race is a huge issue. I had my first taste of this at UCSD in March. That incident caused so much drama - the protests, the uproars, the support. I'm not what is sadder - the fact that someone legitimately didn't realise that hanging that thing in the library would be an offense or that out of a school of 30,000 people, only that many people showed up for support. What someone said onstage was very true, despite all that was happening, people were still going around like nothing is happening, walking around the mass of people to get to class. Now I'm not saying that education is not important, but this event is education of real life shit that they don't teach you at school, shit that makes you double take and really think how much society has really progressed.

If you don't know (and I'm sure many of you won't), MC is biracial. You might think that's not as much of a problem as being completely African American, but it is. I might even begin to say that it is slightly worse for them than for African Americans.

“There’s never been a time when I didn’t spell out exactly what I am. But for some, I was still just a white girl. To others, I was a black girl who was just passing… It’s easy to take shots at me. No one feels like they need to protect me… If I was two shades darker, there’d have been people protesting for me.”
  -MC

You only need to do a little research on her childhood and past and listen to some of her album songs to realise how much effect this has on her. Nonetheless, this post is not to sympathise with MC, it is to question why people do this. Are we not all human beings? Made from albeit not the same DNA sequence but the same basic building blocks? Do we not all share this planet? Do we not all breath air, drink water and eat? Do we all not have hearts that beat til the day we die? I simply do not understand. I understand that not everyone's capacity to love and embrace is the same, but that does not mean we have to hate and discriminate. What good does it do to you? Apparently it makes people feel better and safer about themselves. God, what kind of sick minded people are these? I don not study psychology so I don't know the explanation behind that reasoning. What I do know is that people suffered from this, still do.

Funny how frustrated some people get just thinking about this. Yet I'm not sure what can be done except to live by example. But how many people can you affect? You must be delusional if you think that you alone with your actions can influence the rest of the world. The butterfly effect is only valid in selective cases. I'm being not being negative, just making a rational judgement based on history. As much contribution as Martin Luther King Jr. has made in his living years, the problem although appears less severe on the surface, still boils underneath. So really, what can you do?

There are other issues other than race, hungry and thirsty anyone? I don't even want to start on this. While half the world lives in luxury, yes luxury, relatively speaking (which is the true concept of luxury anyway, no?), the other half barely has enough food and water to feed their hunger let alone be full. Scientifically speaking, why has the world of luxury distribution not reached an equilibrium? I'm not saying that I've done anything big about this, nor have I given up obtaining any of my luxury goods to help the cause but I'm not ignorant and oblivious to the problem. There are many in the world who are, these people need some real education. At least being conscious of it will make you do something, however small, about it. Perhaps for those, ignorance is bliss.

What can you do? Do exactly what Martin Luther King did, do as much as you can. You may not make a difference, you might affect a handful of people, or you could influence the whole world. Whatever the case, never give up, I ain't giving up, I refuse.

Panda Express

I am currently rejoicing on the inside at having obtained the last scoop of Orange Chicken and Beijing Beef from Panda Express for dinner. For those of you who don't know what Panda Express is, it is basically the fastfood version of a proper Chinese meal. A lot more oil, a lot more MSG, completely drenched in sour that is way too salty for the health of my heart but sadly it is the only thing left open at the Price Centre.

So why am I still at uni? Because I am stuck in lab. Probably until 11/12pm. I should be happy that I have my own projects already after only having worked in the lab for 2 months. Wait, I am happy and feel extremely lucky (as Aereas keeps reminding me ><). It is great experience for future lab work, applying what I've learnt in class and presentation skills (lab presentations).

The problem is the long hours. Most of the time, I am in the lab 10-12 hours everyday. If I had to do this for everyday of my life, I think I'd die. Not only am I stuck indoors, I am stuck indoors for long periods of time. I can't even tell whether it's sunny, cloudy or raining outside these days. Baaaaah.

We were just saying that we'll be getting a futon in the lab because one of the guys didn't have a place to sleep on when he works late. He even had his sleeping bag in the lab, and it was used.

Being a research scientist is bleak if you don't like it. You're always stuck indoors, you're always reading in your spare time, and a lot of the time the work you do isn't even that exciting.

I knew this wasn't for me, but had to try to know for sure.

What Am I Doing Here?

When I should be writing cover letters for vac work applications?

Honestly, I have absolutely no motivation for half the shit I'm trying to apply for. The closer I have approached to the period when I have to find vac work, the more I realise how much I am not suited for engineering.

First off, engineering was not something that I settled upon since I was a kid. In fact, I was so set on NOT doing engineering that I totally opted not to take Maths C in high school figuring that I will NEVER do an engineering degree. Looks like someone ate their words.

How I made my decision to do engineering was questionably not entirely my own. When it was time to decide what I wanted to do in uni, I seriously had absolutely zero clue. I had a chat with my dad and he suggested biotech since it's on the rise and predicted to grow exponentially. I had the foresight to see that it won't grow THAT exponentially (my dad tends to exaggerate sometimes). So I figured I'd go with a safer option - chemical & biological engineering.

I like to play safe. So having the chemical part to fall back on in case the biological part didn't work out seemed like such a brilliant idea. I was also under the illusion (and I say illusion because I now know that it is untrue) that I have much love for biology. I very much enjoyed every bit of the tiniest contact we made with bioengineering concepts during high school biology. I thought it was extremely cool the things that you could do with bioengineering. For example, I wrote my essay on how inserting a fluorescence gene from another creature into a modified vector and then injecting that into a mouse will then make the fluoresce. Cool, no?

Now here is where I start pointing out all the things that is wrong about this decision. Firstly, I decided to put chemistry and maths together. A big no no. Maths was my lowest grade in high school, chemistry the second lowest. And i am not talking about the whole Asian low. I am talking about I got a C on my maths for most of grade 12 and just managed to pull it back up to a B with my last 2 tests of the year. Chemistry, no need to say more. I never fully understood everything. Also, problem solving is by far the weakest link in all my tests. Aren't these the most important skills and knowledge for my said degree? I thought I could pull it through with my biology.

So there I was, off to study chemical & biological engineering (and really, it is not as fancy as the name suggests), having done very little research on the future implications of taking this degree and every less research on how to survive the engineering industry. This sounds so typical of me.

The first year I'd say was a breeze. Totally thought uni would be strict like high school, went to lectures (not too say I was awake through all of them, but at least I was there physically) and tutorials every week as required in the first semester. Ended up getting three 7s and a 6. I'd say that is not bad, an average GPA of 6.75 out of 7. Totally stoked and pumped up for second semester. Except I got slightly too acquainted with how uni works so I started skipping lectures in my second semester. And got a bit cocky with thermodynamics after I fully aced the mid-term. Not smart. But still, acceptable grades.

I should've noticed the warning signs in my first year though. The whole Matlab business (I am not cut for computer softwares, I'm telling you/myself now). I thought it wasn't important so the assignments were pretty much helped along by other people. Needless to say, I learnt shit nothing about Matlab. The other warning sign was my failure to do well on the thermodynamics final with my lack of studying. I think a true engineer should be able to do well even on occasions where they are caught off guard. This was one of them and I did not cope well with that.

Continuing into second year, more lecture skipping, more slacking. I should've realised that the lack of motivation is correlated with the lack of interest. It was also because I feel my parents won't approve if I changed my major. I didn't know what I would've changed it to either. All the stuff I want to do I either know I am not built for it or am lacking some major skill of some sort for the basic entry into the degree. For example: astronomy, no way in hell will I be able to deal with all the maths and physics; architecture but I never did any Autocad before and nor am I particularly good at drawing, no make that I do not know how to draw; interior design, besides the obvious my-parents-will-kill-me-if-I-did there is again the previous fact that I do not know how to draw; travel agent but that don't even require a uni degree and my parents would have definitely murdered me if I did that. The next closest thing I should've considered was environmental engineering.

I was just getting through classes. The only motivation for what I do is that I need to pass or my parents will kill me. Plus, I wanted desperately to get out of uni ASAP. I hate studying. Especially studying for the sake of passing tests and assignments. Yet that was my only motivation. I thought that I will grow to at least like what I'm doing, my mum convinced me of that. Nope. Not happening.

Now here I am, almost done with 3rd year, the time where most engineering students start looking for vac work. I am trying to do the same. Have been rejected by several companies already. Not giving up because I cannot afford to. But the more cover letters I write, the more I am thinking that "WTF? Do I really want to be doing what these jobs are doing?" The truth is I don't. I tried so hard to convince myself that I do but it's all bullshit.

The other option would be to go with the bioengineering pathway. That would most likely involve a graduate degree as well as research. Eeek. Like I said, the least schooling I go through the better. It's not that I don't like learning, it's just that everytime I step into a classroom to learn for something that counts, I lose much of my motivation.

As for research, I had a hunch that I wouldn't like it much (since I hate being stuck indoors). I decided to give that a go when I got introduced to a position at a lab my friend worked in. It was a Stem Cell Engineering and Biomaterials Lab. I thought it would be the perfect lab since I was interested in stem cell engineering AND biomaterials so I was ultra excited to be working there. Having worked there for almost 2 months now, I come to the realisation that research and lab is definitely NOT where I want to be headed. It is mundane. I will not say that the research is pointless, I will just say that I lack the patience and the foresight into the overall goal of how these research will help the society.

This doesn't leave me with much choice. I considered changing to environmental but I'm afraid that the same thing will happen. And let me tell you, it will. I don't think I'll be so radical as to change to one of those my-parents-will-kill-me careers. The only other option is to change my headspace. Ok heavenly gods, time to show that you actually exist.

Now really, how did I ever end up in this mess?

Coach

Nope, not that kind of coach, I'm talking about THE Coach. You know, the really famous, expensive brand for handbags, wallets etc. Well, the story is that yesterday I (well we because it was me and my dad) managed to purchase 14 Coach items at the outlet. It was insanity I tell you. Absolute insanity. First off, I have never in my life carried so many handbags in one hand. In fact, I have never even been shopping for a handbag before. The one and only handbag I own (incidentally, it is a Coach) is one my mum got me a few months ago when she went shopping so I didn't exactly shop for it.

It was insane because we bought so much at once. It was insane how many other people were there also going crazy over handbags. It was insane that my mum insisted that I call her to confirm what styles I got even if it was in the middle of the night in Australia. And it was. I called her at 4am. And many phone calls/texts followed such that it lasted til 7am and she was still texting me about the handbags. I'm pretty sure she had work that day. It was also insane how much money was spent on these handbags. I mean sure they look good, they're fashionable, they're versatile but really? People would spend thousands of dollars on these things? At once too? The last time I spent that much money at once was when I was paying for my car rego and insurance. The time before that was buying graduation gifts for friends.

That got me thinking - what would happen if the money was spent on something else? Something a little more productive? I guess you could argue that all this spending is stimulating the economy (not that I would even care that much about the American economy since I don't live here permanently). And I'm not even trying to be righteous here (because let's face it, I'm just a huge hypocrite) since I have the same desire to splurge, just not on handbags. But if we just put away $5/$10 every week... At least that was my reasoning for convincing myself that I could afford to make a small monthly donation to the Heart Foundation.

I'm in the pun mood so I could say the the title could be a reference to my "coaching" of how to control your desire to splurge but you really cannot call it that because this is not even close to being some kind of preaching, just random thoughts I have sometimes. Ok, I think it's better if I just leave if as Coach, the handbag brand.

Just Another Day

Today was not exactly eventful but several small things made me extremely happy. One of those things was walking into a souvenir shop in San Francisco's Chinatown and hearing one of my favourite songs being played.

杨千嬅 的 笑中有淚

Can't say I can relate much to the lyrics but I loved the Music Box album by Miriam. Actually, that was the first Miriam album I ever owned. Neglected for years because I had the bias thought that Chinese music was much superior to English music. All this has changed now. I now listen to mostly Chinese music and a lot less English music. I figured a lot of it just comes down to habit.

I love Miriam for her outlook on life, and even more so her contradictions. It only proves she is human. She once said: 贏係贏自己，輸係輸自己。还有：生有限，活無限。其实千嬅有很多金句，很多都很实用，有起发性。

Another thing that I remembered today as I walked through the (HUGE) campus of Stanford was being told by Aereas that "you don't want to take bits and pieces from other people's thoughts, you want to create something of your own" when he was talking to me about what I should be doing for my research project. That sort of made me admit that I've been playing mix-and-match with a lot of the things I do. It's time to research and create my own.

And I've lost track on what the point of this entry was. Typical. Well, relating back to the title then, this was just another day in a foreign city with the same skeleton of thoughts but small adjustments are being made. I guess the message is, it doesn't matter where you are, who you are with, your thoughts are your own to temper with. As much as the environment is changing, if you don't want to change, nothing can change you. That is just an inherent stubbornness that all humans have.

G'day Mate

Am having a little chill time with my laptop and proper internet connection since I left SD. Sending some photos to my dear mother who tried to call me many times while I was in Yellowstone where internet was non-existent and so was phone reception. Yellowstone was amazing. Back to nature, back to simplicity. Got to bathe in natural hot springs, saw geysers that propels jets of water up 10 metres in the air, smelt enough sulfuric acid to make me not want to eat eggs for a decent amount of time.

Might as well attach a few pictures while I'm at it:












































Captions since I can't be bothered figuring out how to make these pictures align.
First photo: me driving in Yellowstone, I pretty much drove the whole way there. Lots of windy roads, so hard trying not to fall asleep on the wheel sometimes because I had so little sleep. A little side note, I did get up to 82/83mph which is equivalent to about 130km, definitely the fastest I've ever driven (or am allowed to drive in Australia).
Second photo: one of the many hot springs in Yellowstone. The brilliant colours are given off by the microorganisms that live in them.
Third photo: my dad and I at the Old Faithful sign. Shit load of people watching a 4 minute eruption.
Fourth photo: Old Faithful at its peak. The eruption occurs in several stages and the initial stages spewed out tiny bursts which had everyone cameras/camcords ready anticipating the big one.
Fifth photo: Grand Teton National Park which we passed on our way to the Jackson Hole airport. Picture perfect. It almost looks like the icon Windows use as the default picture icon.
Sixth photo: enjoying some pizza on the waterfront with beautiful scenery.
Seventh photo: Yet another plane ride, this time I tried to catch sunset. I swear I have been on more planes this year than I have in my entire life before this year. More flights to catch soon.
Eighth photo: back in SF. Second time around, like it a little more than the first time but still can't see what the hype was for this city.

I think the plan is off to Stanford tomorrow, then it's off to Grand Canyon for a few days. Meanwhile, I'm hitting the sack because I need to drive again tomorrow.

Baaaaah, sheep(s).

By the way, the Australian political scene is a mess right now. Why are these things happening when I am away? I couldn't even freaking vote ><

Night Time

It's 3am and I am not asleep, not even tired. I've been awake since 8:30am yesterday. This recollection of time is nothing short of a habit.

I think night time is my best companion, I hardly ever have trouble embracing its presence by slumbering deep into its darkness. Many other times however, I never seem to find the need to seek its depth.

Here I am again, drowned by my own thoughts while reminiscing about everything possible. What can I say, I'm pretty sure that I have an addiction to this feeling. Why do I feel like this is déjà vu?

One day I'll stop all this thinking and start acting on some of these thoughts. One day I'll be able to figure out what's going on inside my own head.... One day I'll learn to like myself. One day I'll finally get it right. And I'll try till time catches up with me. One day I'll be too old to care.

Dan Humphrey

Gossip Girl has been on rotation (despite not having a laptop, I still managed to find a way to watch it) for the last 3 days. I got to say, I'm loving the show. I think my favourite exchange so far is a scene in the last episode of the first season where Blair, Chuck, Nate and Serena were all gathered at Blair's house (mansion considering how big it is) trying to help Serena out with her I-indirectly-killed-a-man-and-I-can't-forgive-myself guilt.

Anyhow, Dan Humphrey, Lonely Boy. He's so freaking righteous! And a hypocrite too. But his character did something interesting in the second season that I can totally relate to. He tried to step out of his comfort zone, live life as Chuck Bass would, he even tried to be Chuck Bass. All so he could have a better story to write about in his novel.

Sounds familiar to me. Perhaps it's something I am trying to do. Maybe I have already started to step out. I may be manipulating and using other people along the way. It all sounds so contemptible. In fact, I'm sure that whoever knows what I'm really up to will think that it is contemptible. What can I say? I think it's contemptible too.

Which leads me to this problem - always (and I mean always) throwing more than one option in the air, always torn between the options, never being able to settle on just one. This, I sincerely believe is what has been holding me back. Holding me back from starting another chapter. It's like a writer's block, I have not really written anything of significance, just been blabbering on about absolutely nothing, simply to fill the pages. It's time to let go. I don't know what it will take for me to let go of this particular notion I have.

Or maybe this notion I have is really what I want, deep down, but I have been so well at hiding that away from everyone, even myself. Maybe this is who I really am, or want to become. It is utterly beyond my grasp of knowledge. The only way to know the answer is to try.

I make no apologies for my lack of learning instincts. The only way I seem to learn is by trial and error. Ever since I began this trial, I have made several huge mistakes. Mistakes that I cannot undo, mistakes that I still wish I had not made, mistakes that will (I am certain) haunt me forever, just like all the previous mistakes I have made that still haunt me to this day.

A friend asked me the other day what I would do if I could turn back time. I was extremely caught by surprise because 1) I did not expect that question coming from him; and 2) I have given that question much thought over the years.

I have for a long time now been fascinated with the concept of "time". It is, and always will be, the greatest enemy of mankind. For some, there is never enough time to do whatever it is they desire. For others, time seem to trickle ever so painstakingly slow. Time, it is something that we have sought to control yet have never quite grasped just how it works. I read Stephen Hawking's books out of pure curiosity of how the universe, how time is thought to work. I love the notion of the path of time being like train tracks, it usually goes forward but occasionally you find a turn that loops back to an earlier point. Of course, we have yet to find out where this loop is and how it works.

If the time ever comes and we find out how to manipulate time (it is actually not that hard to imagine since we are already manipulating many aspects of nature which we know little about) and the idea of going back in time becomes reality, what would you do?

My friend's answer was exactly what I had as an answer for a very long time - to be able to relive everything, but with the knowledge I have now. It seems like the perfect idea because we would be able to skip so many wrong turns we have made along the way. Then another side of me argues, but isn't that what most of the fun is about? These wrong turns that we have made that has led us to where we are today. If it was not for these wrong turns, we wouldn't know the people we know today, we wouldn't have the knowledge we hold today, and we certainly would not be who we are today to be able to make that decision about wanting to go back. So then I figured a better thing to do would be to record every single little thing that I have ever done in my life. It'd serve two purposes: 1) I have the memory of a goldfish (which apparently don't have very good memories) so these recordings would help me refresh some memories as need be; and 2) In the times when I do feel the need to go back in time, I can always look back at these clear memories to remind myself of what I had. This way, I only ever need to go back in time once, not to unmake mistakes, just to record them. Am I asking for too much?

So anyway, let's not go off on a tangent too much, what I need now is to talk to someone who truly understands my needs and what I am trying to do. Someone who can sit through and listen to all my ramblings and then be able to clear the clouds and show me the big picture. Until then, I'm afraid I am going to stick with my well-hidden but no less prominent dark, evil , selfish side. I have hidden this side from other people's conscience, many times my own but deep, way deep inside, I know that the monster is residing, like Voldemort, biding its time until the opportune moment to lash out.

But to borrow Delta's words: "innocence is still within, evergreen but overgrown". (Rediscovering Delta thanks also to Gossip Girl since Blake Lively to me looks and acts a lot like Delta.)

(Since I have never been good at English, I now have no clue how to relate this entry back to the title "Dan Humphrey". You as the reader, will just have to deal with it.)

~

P.S. The content of this entry is so far from what I had in mind originally that the message I am trying to convey is almost deceiving. Albeit, everything I have said is 100% what I have some time in my past mulled over, more or less.

Part Somewhere-In-Between: The Explanation, The Experiment

My original idea was to post in chronological order. I guess not anymore because there are things I need to say now.

In case you haven't noticed, there has been a slight change on my Facebook info. (Well, you know what they say, "it ain't official until it's on Facebook.") Hold on, before you start thinking "so she's doing this just for a Facebook status!?" No, I'm not. I wouldn't have put it up on Facebook but I figured that it'd make Knight happy and seeing as I've decided to make a commitment, I should perhaps put an effort into maintaining this relationship.

I think I put the everyone in a frenzy and probably rendered a few of you utterly speechless, literally. I'm pretty sure I put Knight's mind on a joyride too. I, on the other hand, was probably a little too calm about something this big. Both inside and out. You'll see why.

Some questions I know some of you are dying to have answered.

How?!
Yeah, I got that one like a gazillion times already (ignore the exaggeration because even though physically it wasn't a gazillion times, it feels like a gazillions times). Well I'm not quite sure how other people generally decide on these things, what happened certainly was not movie/drama-esque. Not even close. It's quite accurate to say that we had a talk and this is where we ended up.

Do I hear a request for details? T'was I who initiated this discussion. Within this discussion, which spanned 2 days (time difference, we didn't literally talk for 2 days straight), I asked him a lot of questions. Such as why he likes me, why he still likes me despite the numerous times I have turned him down, etc. These questions I received satisfactory answers for. Of course, he had questions for me too.

I have interacted with Knight enough to know that he's a good guy. He's nice to everyone. He also has qualities I hope to find in a guy, more specifically long term partner. At this stage, it's safe to say he is quite 专一, tick. Attention to detail, tick. High tolerance, tick. He knows how to cook, big tick. We also share some common interests. But some of his antics also annoy the shit out of me, although I found out recently where some of it comes from. He also lacks a few major qualities I'm looking for, I won't say what these are because I don't want to manipulate anyone to become my ideals.

I weighed the pros and cons, the pros won.

Why, why now?
That's a good question posed by Bonnie. Firstly, why. And this is where Santi and Ahmed comes in.

Santi, mi buen amigo! I don't think I ever told you this but to me, you're like a big brother I never :). Why did I come to talk to you about all that stuff? It just felt right. And I was surprised to see how open you were with me. Like you said, we are similar in many ways, especially the way we calculate our every step. Not to every minor detail, but just enough so we can roughly estimate where we're going to land. (Gosh, how I detest details, this is why I ain't ever going to be no scientist.)

Then you told me about the game. The game of life. The steps you've taken, the observations you saw. At the time, I only agreed with some of your propositions. I have long toyed with the idea that life is just a game. Despite that, I still clung tightly to the idea that life is not a game so I never let myself go fully. You, however, entered the game yourself, but portraying many characters which provoke certain events to occur within a situation. I never had the courage to take that step, until now. I'm very conscious of what others see me as and what their expectations are of me.

This is where "The Fuckin' Terrorist" aka Ahmed enters the story (don't worry, you were always in the story, just sidelining until the perfect moment :P). First stop, Seaworld. Man, you had me in confusion that whole freakin' day! Your confrontations were nothing short of intimidating (as were your straight-forwardness). But I'm glad for them because you pushed for specificity, something that I never bother with. You dug deeper and deeper, that much deeper than anyone else, in fact, that you also got some surprising results. (And you better keep them private too.) Next stop, the mall! I couldn't believe you actually took me there to "repackage" me. I ain't quite as monotonous as you think but still, I agree with a need for change, and I am changing. I've been wearing them tank tops and skinny jeans (no matter how uncomfortable they are! :P). Oh and you'd be glad to know that your getting together with S also contributed to my decision.

In addition, I believe I met someone who was very successful in forging meaningful relationships - Jezli. No, never too much credit because I'm making up for the lack of credit that you give yourself.(So why are you so militantly harsh on yourself? Where is all this self pressure coming from?)

I was impressed/in awe with the company you kept and hence asked you to blog about the "relationships" topic, hoping I could learn something handy. Then in one of your posts with the letter, I was struck at how familiar that situation sounded, eventually I realised that I am in that situation too! Except role reversal, I was the ignorant one. This made me reassess my situation. I figured that I wasn't completely oblivious to all that the other party feels, I just decided to ignore it because I didn't quite know how to handle it.

I don't know, I still think you should send that letter because otherwise you would never know. You might still not know the answer even if you sent it, but at least you tried. (By the way, apologies again for not living up to expectations, I don't deal well with expectations.)

So after I met these enlighteners, I decided it was time to do something. Something drastic. Something totally unexpected. (I still did my calculations though.) I was/am extremely curious to see how people will react, how I will react and where this will lead.

Open relationship?
What this genrally entails is that either party is still free to seek out other potential partners. Actually, Knight thought an "open relationship" was revealing the relationship to the public as opposed to a "relationship" where it's just the two of us that knows. Sorry Knight, definitely weren't on the same page with this one. He says he won't be on the lookout and hopes that I do the same, sorry mate, that is something that I definitely cannot guarantee. So now I've decided to change my definition of an "open relationship" to open to interpretations. Also, I'm not sure how this will turn out so 1) I don't want to fully commit myself until I can sense what it's headed; and 2) because of the previous reason, I don't want to give you too much false hope yet again.

~~~

This probably sounds like a game to you, and you know what? I ain't going to lie, it is a game. I am in this as a player, and I am going to play until I figure out what I want to do. I may lose respect from some people, I will most likely hurt the feelings of some, but I will not stop playing because of that. This time, I'm going to play, make mistakes, not care (too much) about the consequences of these mistakes and stop only when I have verified all that I need verifications for. Unfortunately, I learn things that much better by doing and faulting.

I. The Ironies of Life

I have always thought life was ironic, especially mine.

I don't know where to start. I have grown into the habit of writing and thinking of everything in an abstract way. It takes less energy that way (since for a given system it is thermodynamically favourable for entropy to increase). Ironically, I dislike it when I am the one who has to piece the bits together.

I have also grown into the habit of disguising everything I feel in one way or another. Subtlety is perhaps my fondest tool. What's ironic is that I can never pick up subtlety from someone else so I don't like it when people are being subtle to me.

Do you know what else is ironic? The dislike I have of being stuck in the middle. Yet my favourite number is 5, smack bang halfway between 0 and 10. Every opinion I give, it has always been mid-range, not bad, not great, it's good. But I have learnt that being in the middle has its advantage - you can see both sides equally well.

I have a strong belief in being free. But over the years, I have subconsciously developed rules that I have placed on myself and those around me. I remember vowing to always, always have an open mind in every situation, but the social norms I follow, the cultural traditions that I obey, the rules that I have set for my sister for what I believe will make her “better” in my opinion are a contradiction to that very belief.

Let me share this angry little statement I wrote at 2:21am this morning (try 4 weeks ago, now 2 months ago??) while trying to find the 'off' button to my brain.

---
It's ironic how I've made the same mistake I have recognised as the ultimate culprit in an everlasting issue.

As much as I love subtlety, I believe some things need to be said out loud, loud and clear. Silence will only perpetuate the problem.

You gave me a shovel, did you expect me to just hold it in my hands for decorations' sake? Yes Knight, I am talking to you and I know you were referring to me in your blog as "someone". Excuse my utter stupidity but I didn't quite realise you still felt that way about me because I can't f***in' read people's minds, especially when they're 15,000km away on the other half of the globe.

I take complete absolute blame on everything that has gone wrong in my life, including this. But you know what I've learnt over the years? It takes two hands to clap.
---

That was 2 months ago. I was rather pissed off that night and lack of sleep probably didn’t help. Still, I think anger makes for honesty about things I usually wouldn’t be honest about. Let’s be open here.

At the Intersection

The question is not "to cross or not to cross" but rather, which way to cross.
.

*Please ignore the appalling-ness of the drawing, I never use Paint and I cannot draw for nuts and nor am I extremely computer literate.

So let me explain the diagram. You've arrived at the intersection where the pedestrian lights to cross horizontally is about to turn green. There presents 2 options...

Option #1
You cross at the lights horizontally and then wait for the lights again to cross vertically for destination.

If you pick this option, you wouldn't have to wait for the lights initially but the wait for the vertical lights is unknown but with a definite value.

Option #2
You wait for the vertical lights to turn, cross and then jaywalk across the road horizontally for destination.

If you pick this option, you would have to wait for the lights initially, then you may/may not have to wait to cross the road horizontally depending on the traffic density which is unknown and with no set value.

Both ways will evenutally get you to your destination.
~~~

This isn't a trick question, it's just a thought I had when I was confronted with this situation. It's kind of like an everyday analogy of life in general. We approach intersections everyday and within a set time frame, we make a choice about which way we would go. The choice we make depends largely on our priorities and past experiences/knowledge.

Say if I was in a hurry, I would perhaps pick option #2 becuase it would save me the wait on the second light and I know that I am an experienced jaywalker there is a higher possibility of me crossing the road even in high traffic density (true because I come from China where people compete with cars on the roads).

But if I was just going for a stroll on a Sunday afternoon and not in a hurry, I may be more likely to choose option #1 because I don't want to take the risk of possibly being hit by a car. Plus it's more relaxing to walk slowly than to rush.

Perhaps there even exists a 3rd, 4th or even 5th option that I have not seen. Who knows.

The juggling of all criteria in one's mind is a complex process and takes time. Alas, time is not always on our side and the choices we make sometimes is rushed and not well thought out. Or maybe we've had too much time on our hands and have over-thought about our options. Either way, there ain't no way back, even if we backtrack to the original spot, the situation presented to us is not the same. The time of occurence is different, the traffic density is different, your mindset is different, your body is feeling differently - all these things will change the outcome.

As Eason sings: "That's just life". Take it or leave it.