Part Somewhere-In-Between: The Explanation, The Experiment

My original idea was to post in chronological order. I guess not anymore because there are things I need to say now.

In case you haven't noticed, there has been a slight change on my Facebook info. (Well, you know what they say, "it ain't official until it's on Facebook.") Hold on, before you start thinking "so she's doing this just for a Facebook status!?" No, I'm not. I wouldn't have put it up on Facebook but I figured that it'd make Knight happy and seeing as I've decided to make a commitment, I should perhaps put an effort into maintaining this relationship.

I think I put the everyone in a frenzy and probably rendered a few of you utterly speechless, literally. I'm pretty sure I put Knight's mind on a joyride too. I, on the other hand, was probably a little too calm about something this big. Both inside and out. You'll see why.

Some questions I know some of you are dying to have answered.

How?!
Yeah, I got that one like a gazillion times already (ignore the exaggeration because even though physically it wasn't a gazillion times, it feels like a gazillions times). Well I'm not quite sure how other people generally decide on these things, what happened certainly was not movie/drama-esque. Not even close. It's quite accurate to say that we had a talk and this is where we ended up.

Do I hear a request for details? T'was I who initiated this discussion. Within this discussion, which spanned 2 days (time difference, we didn't literally talk for 2 days straight), I asked him a lot of questions. Such as why he likes me, why he still likes me despite the numerous times I have turned him down, etc. These questions I received satisfactory answers for. Of course, he had questions for me too.

I have interacted with Knight enough to know that he's a good guy. He's nice to everyone. He also has qualities I hope to find in a guy, more specifically long term partner. At this stage, it's safe to say he is quite 专一, tick. Attention to detail, tick. High tolerance, tick. He knows how to cook, big tick. We also share some common interests. But some of his antics also annoy the shit out of me, although I found out recently where some of it comes from. He also lacks a few major qualities I'm looking for, I won't say what these are because I don't want to manipulate anyone to become my ideals.

I weighed the pros and cons, the pros won.

Why, why now?
That's a good question posed by Bonnie. Firstly, why. And this is where Santi and Ahmed comes in.

Santi, mi buen amigo! I don't think I ever told you this but to me, you're like a big brother I never :). Why did I come to talk to you about all that stuff? It just felt right. And I was surprised to see how open you were with me. Like you said, we are similar in many ways, especially the way we calculate our every step. Not to every minor detail, but just enough so we can roughly estimate where we're going to land. (Gosh, how I detest details, this is why I ain't ever going to be no scientist.)

Then you told me about the game. The game of life. The steps you've taken, the observations you saw. At the time, I only agreed with some of your propositions. I have long toyed with the idea that life is just a game. Despite that, I still clung tightly to the idea that life is not a game so I never let myself go fully. You, however, entered the game yourself, but portraying many characters which provoke certain events to occur within a situation. I never had the courage to take that step, until now. I'm very conscious of what others see me as and what their expectations are of me.

This is where "The Fuckin' Terrorist" aka Ahmed enters the story (don't worry, you were always in the story, just sidelining until the perfect moment :P). First stop, Seaworld. Man, you had me in confusion that whole freakin' day! Your confrontations were nothing short of intimidating (as were your straight-forwardness). But I'm glad for them because you pushed for specificity, something that I never bother with. You dug deeper and deeper, that much deeper than anyone else, in fact, that you also got some surprising results. (And you better keep them private too.) Next stop, the mall! I couldn't believe you actually took me there to "repackage" me. I ain't quite as monotonous as you think but still, I agree with a need for change, and I am changing. I've been wearing them tank tops and skinny jeans (no matter how uncomfortable they are! :P). Oh and you'd be glad to know that your getting together with S also contributed to my decision.

In addition, I believe I met someone who was very successful in forging meaningful relationships - Jezli. No, never too much credit because I'm making up for the lack of credit that you give yourself.(So why are you so militantly harsh on yourself? Where is all this self pressure coming from?)

I was impressed/in awe with the company you kept and hence asked you to blog about the "relationships" topic, hoping I could learn something handy. Then in one of your posts with the letter, I was struck at how familiar that situation sounded, eventually I realised that I am in that situation too! Except role reversal, I was the ignorant one. This made me reassess my situation. I figured that I wasn't completely oblivious to all that the other party feels, I just decided to ignore it because I didn't quite know how to handle it.

I don't know, I still think you should send that letter because otherwise you would never know. You might still not know the answer even if you sent it, but at least you tried. (By the way, apologies again for not living up to expectations, I don't deal well with expectations.)

So after I met these enlighteners, I decided it was time to do something. Something drastic. Something totally unexpected. (I still did my calculations though.) I was/am extremely curious to see how people will react, how I will react and where this will lead.

Open relationship?
What this genrally entails is that either party is still free to seek out other potential partners. Actually, Knight thought an "open relationship" was revealing the relationship to the public as opposed to a "relationship" where it's just the two of us that knows. Sorry Knight, definitely weren't on the same page with this one. He says he won't be on the lookout and hopes that I do the same, sorry mate, that is something that I definitely cannot guarantee. So now I've decided to change my definition of an "open relationship" to open to interpretations. Also, I'm not sure how this will turn out so 1) I don't want to fully commit myself until I can sense what it's headed; and 2) because of the previous reason, I don't want to give you too much false hope yet again.

~~~

This probably sounds like a game to you, and you know what? I ain't going to lie, it is a game. I am in this as a player, and I am going to play until I figure out what I want to do. I may lose respect from some people, I will most likely hurt the feelings of some, but I will not stop playing because of that. This time, I'm going to play, make mistakes, not care (too much) about the consequences of these mistakes and stop only when I have verified all that I need verifications for. Unfortunately, I learn things that much better by doing and faulting.