I. The Ironies of Life

I have always thought life was ironic, especially mine.

I don't know where to start. I have grown into the habit of writing and thinking of everything in an abstract way. It takes less energy that way (since for a given system it is thermodynamically favourable for entropy to increase). Ironically, I dislike it when I am the one who has to piece the bits together.

I have also grown into the habit of disguising everything I feel in one way or another. Subtlety is perhaps my fondest tool. What's ironic is that I can never pick up subtlety from someone else so I don't like it when people are being subtle to me.

Do you know what else is ironic? The dislike I have of being stuck in the middle. Yet my favourite number is 5, smack bang halfway between 0 and 10. Every opinion I give, it has always been mid-range, not bad, not great, it's good. But I have learnt that being in the middle has its advantage - you can see both sides equally well.

I have a strong belief in being free. But over the years, I have subconsciously developed rules that I have placed on myself and those around me. I remember vowing to always, always have an open mind in every situation, but the social norms I follow, the cultural traditions that I obey, the rules that I have set for my sister for what I believe will make her “better” in my opinion are a contradiction to that very belief.

Let me share this angry little statement I wrote at 2:21am this morning (try 4 weeks ago, now 2 months ago??) while trying to find the 'off' button to my brain.

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It's ironic how I've made the same mistake I have recognised as the ultimate culprit in an everlasting issue.

As much as I love subtlety, I believe some things need to be said out loud, loud and clear. Silence will only perpetuate the problem.

You gave me a shovel, did you expect me to just hold it in my hands for decorations' sake? Yes Knight, I am talking to you and I know you were referring to me in your blog as "someone". Excuse my utter stupidity but I didn't quite realise you still felt that way about me because I can't f***in' read people's minds, especially when they're 15,000km away on the other half of the globe.

I take complete absolute blame on everything that has gone wrong in my life, including this. But you know what I've learnt over the years? It takes two hands to clap.
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That was 2 months ago. I was rather pissed off that night and lack of sleep probably didn’t help. Still, I think anger makes for honesty about things I usually wouldn’t be honest about. Let’s be open here.