Gossip Girl has been on rotation (despite not having a laptop, I still managed to find a way to watch it) for the last 3 days. I got to say, I'm loving the show. I think my favourite exchange so far is a scene in the last episode of the first season where Blair, Chuck, Nate and Serena were all gathered at Blair's house (mansion considering how big it is) trying to help Serena out with her I-indirectly-killed-a-man-and-I-can't-forgive-myself guilt.
Anyhow, Dan Humphrey, Lonely Boy. He's so freaking righteous! And a hypocrite too. But his character did something interesting in the second season that I can totally relate to. He tried to step out of his comfort zone, live life as Chuck Bass would, he even tried to be Chuck Bass. All so he could have a better story to write about in his novel.
Sounds familiar to me. Perhaps it's something I am trying to do. Maybe I have already started to step out. I may be manipulating and using other people along the way. It all sounds so contemptible. In fact, I'm sure that whoever knows what I'm really up to will think that it is contemptible. What can I say? I think it's contemptible too.
Which leads me to this problem - always (and I mean always) throwing more than one option in the air, always torn between the options, never being able to settle on just one. This, I sincerely believe is what has been holding me back. Holding me back from starting another chapter. It's like a writer's block, I have not really written anything of significance, just been blabbering on about absolutely nothing, simply to fill the pages. It's time to let go. I don't know what it will take for me to let go of this particular notion I have.
Or maybe this notion I have is really what I want, deep down, but I have been so well at hiding that away from everyone, even myself. Maybe this is who I really am, or want to become. It is utterly beyond my grasp of knowledge. The only way to know the answer is to try.
I make no apologies for my lack of learning instincts. The only way I seem to learn is by trial and error. Ever since I began this trial, I have made several huge mistakes. Mistakes that I cannot undo, mistakes that I still wish I had not made, mistakes that will (I am certain) haunt me forever, just like all the previous mistakes I have made that still haunt me to this day.
A friend asked me the other day what I would do if I could turn back time. I was extremely caught by surprise because 1) I did not expect that question coming from him; and 2) I have given that question much thought over the years.
I have for a long time now been fascinated with the concept of "time". It is, and always will be, the greatest enemy of mankind. For some, there is never enough time to do whatever it is they desire. For others, time seem to trickle ever so painstakingly slow. Time, it is something that we have sought to control yet have never quite grasped just how it works. I read Stephen Hawking's books out of pure curiosity of how the universe, how time is thought to work. I love the notion of the path of time being like train tracks, it usually goes forward but occasionally you find a turn that loops back to an earlier point. Of course, we have yet to find out where this loop is and how it works.
If the time ever comes and we find out how to manipulate time (it is actually not that hard to imagine since we are already manipulating many aspects of nature which we know little about) and the idea of going back in time becomes reality, what would you do?
My friend's answer was exactly what I had as an answer for a very long time - to be able to relive everything, but with the knowledge I have now. It seems like the perfect idea because we would be able to skip so many wrong turns we have made along the way. Then another side of me argues, but isn't that what most of the fun is about? These wrong turns that we have made that has led us to where we are today. If it was not for these wrong turns, we wouldn't know the people we know today, we wouldn't have the knowledge we hold today, and we certainly would not be who we are today to be able to make that decision about wanting to go back. So then I figured a better thing to do would be to record every single little thing that I have ever done in my life. It'd serve two purposes: 1) I have the memory of a goldfish (which apparently don't have very good memories) so these recordings would help me refresh some memories as need be; and 2) In the times when I do feel the need to go back in time, I can always look back at these clear memories to remind myself of what I had. This way, I only ever need to go back in time once, not to unmake mistakes, just to record them. Am I asking for too much?
So anyway, let's not go off on a tangent too much, what I need now is to talk to someone who truly understands my needs and what I am trying to do. Someone who can sit through and listen to all my ramblings and then be able to clear the clouds and show me the big picture. Until then, I'm afraid I am going to stick with my well-hidden but no less prominent dark, evil , selfish side. I have hidden this side from other people's conscience, many times my own but deep, way deep inside, I know that the monster is residing, like Voldemort, biding its time until the opportune moment to lash out.
But to borrow Delta's words: "innocence is still within, evergreen but overgrown". (Rediscovering Delta thanks also to Gossip Girl since Blake Lively to me looks and acts a lot like Delta.)
(Since I have never been good at English, I now have no clue how to relate this entry back to the title "Dan Humphrey". You as the reader, will just have to deal with it.)
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P.S. The content of this entry is so far from what I had in mind originally that the message I am trying to convey is almost deceiving. Albeit, everything I have said is 100% what I have some time in my past mulled over, more or less.
