What Am I Doing Here?

When I should be writing cover letters for vac work applications?

Honestly, I have absolutely no motivation for half the shit I'm trying to apply for. The closer I have approached to the period when I have to find vac work, the more I realise how much I am not suited for engineering.

First off, engineering was not something that I settled upon since I was a kid. In fact, I was so set on NOT doing engineering that I totally opted not to take Maths C in high school figuring that I will NEVER do an engineering degree. Looks like someone ate their words.

How I made my decision to do engineering was questionably not entirely my own. When it was time to decide what I wanted to do in uni, I seriously had absolutely zero clue. I had a chat with my dad and he suggested biotech since it's on the rise and predicted to grow exponentially. I had the foresight to see that it won't grow THAT exponentially (my dad tends to exaggerate sometimes). So I figured I'd go with a safer option - chemical & biological engineering.

I like to play safe. So having the chemical part to fall back on in case the biological part didn't work out seemed like such a brilliant idea. I was also under the illusion (and I say illusion because I now know that it is untrue) that I have much love for biology. I very much enjoyed every bit of the tiniest contact we made with bioengineering concepts during high school biology. I thought it was extremely cool the things that you could do with bioengineering. For example, I wrote my essay on how inserting a fluorescence gene from another creature into a modified vector and then injecting that into a mouse will then make the fluoresce. Cool, no?

Now here is where I start pointing out all the things that is wrong about this decision. Firstly, I decided to put chemistry and maths together. A big no no. Maths was my lowest grade in high school, chemistry the second lowest. And i am not talking about the whole Asian low. I am talking about I got a C on my maths for most of grade 12 and just managed to pull it back up to a B with my last 2 tests of the year. Chemistry, no need to say more. I never fully understood everything. Also, problem solving is by far the weakest link in all my tests. Aren't these the most important skills and knowledge for my said degree? I thought I could pull it through with my biology.

So there I was, off to study chemical & biological engineering (and really, it is not as fancy as the name suggests), having done very little research on the future implications of taking this degree and every less research on how to survive the engineering industry. This sounds so typical of me.

The first year I'd say was a breeze. Totally thought uni would be strict like high school, went to lectures (not too say I was awake through all of them, but at least I was there physically) and tutorials every week as required in the first semester. Ended up getting three 7s and a 6. I'd say that is not bad, an average GPA of 6.75 out of 7. Totally stoked and pumped up for second semester. Except I got slightly too acquainted with how uni works so I started skipping lectures in my second semester. And got a bit cocky with thermodynamics after I fully aced the mid-term. Not smart. But still, acceptable grades.

I should've noticed the warning signs in my first year though. The whole Matlab business (I am not cut for computer softwares, I'm telling you/myself now). I thought it wasn't important so the assignments were pretty much helped along by other people. Needless to say, I learnt shit nothing about Matlab. The other warning sign was my failure to do well on the thermodynamics final with my lack of studying. I think a true engineer should be able to do well even on occasions where they are caught off guard. This was one of them and I did not cope well with that.

Continuing into second year, more lecture skipping, more slacking. I should've realised that the lack of motivation is correlated with the lack of interest. It was also because I feel my parents won't approve if I changed my major. I didn't know what I would've changed it to either. All the stuff I want to do I either know I am not built for it or am lacking some major skill of some sort for the basic entry into the degree. For example: astronomy, no way in hell will I be able to deal with all the maths and physics; architecture but I never did any Autocad before and nor am I particularly good at drawing, no make that I do not know how to draw; interior design, besides the obvious my-parents-will-kill-me-if-I-did there is again the previous fact that I do not know how to draw; travel agent but that don't even require a uni degree and my parents would have definitely murdered me if I did that. The next closest thing I should've considered was environmental engineering.

I was just getting through classes. The only motivation for what I do is that I need to pass or my parents will kill me. Plus, I wanted desperately to get out of uni ASAP. I hate studying. Especially studying for the sake of passing tests and assignments. Yet that was my only motivation. I thought that I will grow to at least like what I'm doing, my mum convinced me of that. Nope. Not happening.

Now here I am, almost done with 3rd year, the time where most engineering students start looking for vac work. I am trying to do the same. Have been rejected by several companies already. Not giving up because I cannot afford to. But the more cover letters I write, the more I am thinking that "WTF? Do I really want to be doing what these jobs are doing?" The truth is I don't. I tried so hard to convince myself that I do but it's all bullshit.

The other option would be to go with the bioengineering pathway. That would most likely involve a graduate degree as well as research. Eeek. Like I said, the least schooling I go through the better. It's not that I don't like learning, it's just that everytime I step into a classroom to learn for something that counts, I lose much of my motivation.

As for research, I had a hunch that I wouldn't like it much (since I hate being stuck indoors). I decided to give that a go when I got introduced to a position at a lab my friend worked in. It was a Stem Cell Engineering and Biomaterials Lab. I thought it would be the perfect lab since I was interested in stem cell engineering AND biomaterials so I was ultra excited to be working there. Having worked there for almost 2 months now, I come to the realisation that research and lab is definitely NOT where I want to be headed. It is mundane. I will not say that the research is pointless, I will just say that I lack the patience and the foresight into the overall goal of how these research will help the society.

This doesn't leave me with much choice. I considered changing to environmental but I'm afraid that the same thing will happen. And let me tell you, it will. I don't think I'll be so radical as to change to one of those my-parents-will-kill-me careers. The only other option is to change my headspace. Ok heavenly gods, time to show that you actually exist.

Now really, how did I ever end up in this mess?