Judgement Day

Big day tomorrow. But I shall definitely not let fear and nervousness get in the way. So far I've managed to maintain a good mentality over this. Actually, I must say I'm really excited for what's in store. Whatever the outcome, it's going to be a step forward. Wish me luck! Or more importantly, wish that I'll be on time -_-

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage and confidence in doing."

Cool Stuff!

Ever since that bio class back in high school about genetically modified mice that glow in the dark, I have been fascinated by the idea of bioengineering and biotechnology (plus at the time I had a particular obsession with glow-in-the-dark things). I even spent the last 3 years doing chemical/biological engineering. But the shitty degree offered at UQ (which they have recently improved for future students. Jealous!), my lack of time and money plus the fact that biotech although prominent within the academic circle is not really at the forefront of the general society means I've dropped the double major.

This morning as I was researching for my prac report, I came across an article titled "Biological removal of cationic fission products from nuclear wastewater". I thought this is such a brilliant idea. And it just makes me wish that UQ had a better degree when I started. Yes, I know I complained about working in a lab in the US but I was on exchange, who wants to work when you can play (well, that is my defence anyway). Though I must say that if I wasn't on exchange, and that I had better background knowledge in the stuff we did, I probably would have complained a lot less.

Oh well, maybe sometime in the future when I have more money I might actually do a PhD. Maybe. Otherwise it's part of my Plan B2 if my Plan A doesn't pan out.

~~~
* NB. I have come to realise that cool concepts don't always work out as nicely in reality, at least not without many, many more years of research. And cool concepts always turn out to be super expensive which doesn't help. (Unless I'm doing my project completely wrong.)

Complex, Vast but Beautiful

I have a midterm in 1 day. I have procrastinated my entire 2 days away. As much as I try to focus on the imminent task, my heart and my mind is just not here. Firstly, it is incredibly frustrating that it's taking me so long to understand these concepts and all the equations I need. Secondly, I am so over studying these days. I am not interested in what we are learning, full stop. And right now it really is not a top priority of mine, as weird as that sounds.

I'm graduating at the end of this year. That means it's time to really contemplate what I should do once I graduate (provided I don't fail anything). I have given so much thought into this over the past year and even more so the last few months. There are just so many options out there: work, travel, volunteer, more study, start my own business? After rationally (fine, sometime irrationally) going through each option I have finally come to the conclusion that the only practical option I have at this point is to work. Which brings me back to my procrastination. Because I am always worrying about hearing back from companies, I am always thinking of back up plans in case I can't find a job. The problem is that I can't do anything about this anymore because I have finished sending in all my applications so now all I can do is worry. I know I really shouldn't let this get in my head but I really think the rest of my life depends on finding this first job. (Okay, a tad exaggeration but it feels like it does.)

But that is not what this post is supposed to be about. So during one of my (many) procrastination bouts, I decided to dust off the cobwebs on my blogging world. I caught up on some of the new posts that friends have posted during my absence. I have had a blog for many years now, I have always enjoyed writing blog posts. I have always loved reading other people's blog posts because I think it's such a great avenue to get to know that person on a different level. Some people express a sense of humour that they never show in person, others take the mickey out of everything, some contemplate life in a more serious way, and some use their blog as a way to raise awareness of issues they feel are important in the world. Whatever the purpose is, it is fascinating to see the thoughts that go on in each person's head. 

Today, reading all these blog posts, it made me realise (even though it's such an obvious thing) and appreciate just how different every person is, yet how we all have the same thoughts and go through the same emotions. I like that everyone has the same vulnerable thoughts about themselves, I like that we all appreciate the same small things in life and I like that we all have the same big (but different) futures we have painted for ourselves. I realised that we are all just trying to survive, trying to make our life that much better and that much more unique. It gives me life to see there is so much life out there. Nobody told us life was going to be cruisy, nobody said it will be sunshine everyday, and certainly nobody put in a definition of life that is has to predictable. So whatever you do (or don't do), just never forget to live.

忙里偷闲

The title to this post is so ironically inaccurate. To be more accurate, it's more like after procrastinating most of my weekend away, I'm now up doing work at this time of the night. Though I still would like to argue that this is my ideal thinking time, I can't do mornings. Or afternoons for that matter. I'm a night person.

I was talking to a friend who is similarly struggling to get through her studies - she has to write her research thesis and it's been stalled at the introduction stage since... forever. Except I have a feeling this whole thesis thing is due not too long from now. I'm currently up doing environmental risk assessments, a projec that is due next week. I just finished my part (for now) for another project in asset management that is due tomorrow. Earlier tonight, I was done finalising yet another project for energy systems for sustainable development which is due on Thursday. Tomorrow, I'll probably be busy working on the presentation for that course too. I think I had plans to fit my mid-semester study into today (well, technically yesterday) too. A littel too much procrastination.

This got us both sighing. We both came to the conclusion that we both lacked interest in what we're doing and that is not helping with our motivations. My friend came to the conclusion that even if she was in another major, it'd still be the same. I still have the slight naive hope that if I was in another major, I would enjoy it more. I say it's naive only because my friend then went on to say that most people aren't passionate about what they do day in day out anyway, they just do it for a living, for a better life, and I must say, empirical observations prove this to be correct. But I still hold onto this hope because I just happen to stumble upon the rare few that do love what they do day in day out, which makes me want to believe that I just gotta look hard enough.

So here I am, trudging through the daily grind of engineering work, hoping to find the something that I'm looking for. Well, like my friend said, who knows, maybe I'll completely fall in love with my job once I start working as an engineer and she'll completely fall in love with hers. Or maybe it's the whole studying thing. Afterall, who has studying in their top 10 favourite past times?

When 2 Souls Meet...

It's a beautiful thing. You talk, you laugh, you share stories. Then you get married and have children. Somewhere along the way, you get sick of each other. Suddenly flaws that you have never noticed before begin to creep into your attention, and it enlarges. You get mad and you yell at each other. Some couples resolve it, others try but can't, still others go on pretending it didn't happen.

I'm not sure which of the above categories my parents fall into, but I know which one they don't fall into. In fact, I'm not even sure if they even see each other. Maybe all they're seeing a version of each other that they have subconsciously built up over the years. A version that is the worst of each other. I know what I see. I see myself. I see them and I know they haven't changed in any way. I see myself now and I know I'm taking this differently to how I did a year ago.

I questioned myself many times over the past year. Even more so when I returned with a different mindset to the same situation. I wondered whether there were more that I could have done. Maybe there was. Now I just know that if I'm the only one trying to figure things out with reason rather than angst, I might as well not bother. I feel like this is a tug of war and I'm the string.

Am I wrong to be selfish? Am I wrong to let this go? I don't know. All I know is that with each passing day, I'm losing a shred of sanity.

Funny how one can learn to grow numb to the madness and block it away. I left the worst unsaid, let it all dissipate and I try to forget. But as I closed my eyes, steadied my feet on the ground, raised my head to the sky. And though time rolled by. Still I feel like that child as I look at the moon. Maybe I grew up a little too soon.

Anxiously Excited

It's the first day of school again tomorrow! Gosh, I just spent the past day cleaning out my room/s. I think I always have this mentality that I will eventually need a textbook, or a notebook, or some sort of worksheet, or a projet I did, or just general junk for nostalgia sometime in the future because every time I clean my room, I always pull out so much shit. Then there are cards, gifts, souvenirs that I decide to reorder and repack every time. I'm quickly running out of storage space.

So it'll be my 4th year starting in less than 10 hours! Excited? Yes because I cannot wait to graduate. It's not that I dislike learning, it's just that I dislike the way things get taught, the whole teaching environment. Also, I feel like I learn better by doing hands on stuff. Plus, I like getting paid.

I'm also extremely anxious because I've been hearing a lot about how many people have failed some sort of 3rd year engineering course. Also not helping with things is the fact that I've decided to take on 5 classes this semster. That is more than full time load and I've never tried that before. I guess it's time I try it before I graduate, huh? It'll definitely be interesting because I'm going in with a new work ethic after coming back from exchange. (Let's see how long this holds up.)

Another thing that's making me anxious is the fact that I really need to get a ton of networking done this year because I'll finally be needing that resource when I start job hunting at the end of the semester. This is a slightly daunting task for me since I'm not the social butterfly that you see dominating these networking events. In fact, I dread meeting new people. I must say going on exchange have trained me to be slightly better at this. Not having done vac work in my 3rd year might have also put me at a disadvantage although my academic advisor says I could have this work in my favour.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

Tomorrow is the beginning of my new school year and the end of my one year long holiday!

22.2

With Age Comes Wisdom

The irony of all of this is that I killed (not directly) 5 trees today (plus two baby birds).

Anyways, hope this new wisdom shows itself soon because I need some light.