Just Another Day

Today was not exactly eventful but several small things made me extremely happy. One of those things was walking into a souvenir shop in San Francisco's Chinatown and hearing one of my favourite songs being played.

杨千嬅 的 笑中有淚

Can't say I can relate much to the lyrics but I loved the Music Box album by Miriam. Actually, that was the first Miriam album I ever owned. Neglected for years because I had the bias thought that Chinese music was much superior to English music. All this has changed now. I now listen to mostly Chinese music and a lot less English music. I figured a lot of it just comes down to habit.

I love Miriam for her outlook on life, and even more so her contradictions. It only proves she is human. She once said: 贏係贏自己，輸係輸自己。还有：生有限，活無限。其实千嬅有很多金句，很多都很实用，有起发性。

Another thing that I remembered today as I walked through the (HUGE) campus of Stanford was being told by Aereas that "you don't want to take bits and pieces from other people's thoughts, you want to create something of your own" when he was talking to me about what I should be doing for my research project. That sort of made me admit that I've been playing mix-and-match with a lot of the things I do. It's time to research and create my own.

And I've lost track on what the point of this entry was. Typical. Well, relating back to the title then, this was just another day in a foreign city with the same skeleton of thoughts but small adjustments are being made. I guess the message is, it doesn't matter where you are, who you are with, your thoughts are your own to temper with. As much as the environment is changing, if you don't want to change, nothing can change you. That is just an inherent stubbornness that all humans have.

G'day Mate

Am having a little chill time with my laptop and proper internet connection since I left SD. Sending some photos to my dear mother who tried to call me many times while I was in Yellowstone where internet was non-existent and so was phone reception. Yellowstone was amazing. Back to nature, back to simplicity. Got to bathe in natural hot springs, saw geysers that propels jets of water up 10 metres in the air, smelt enough sulfuric acid to make me not want to eat eggs for a decent amount of time.

Might as well attach a few pictures while I'm at it:












































Captions since I can't be bothered figuring out how to make these pictures align.
First photo: me driving in Yellowstone, I pretty much drove the whole way there. Lots of windy roads, so hard trying not to fall asleep on the wheel sometimes because I had so little sleep. A little side note, I did get up to 82/83mph which is equivalent to about 130km, definitely the fastest I've ever driven (or am allowed to drive in Australia).
Second photo: one of the many hot springs in Yellowstone. The brilliant colours are given off by the microorganisms that live in them.
Third photo: my dad and I at the Old Faithful sign. Shit load of people watching a 4 minute eruption.
Fourth photo: Old Faithful at its peak. The eruption occurs in several stages and the initial stages spewed out tiny bursts which had everyone cameras/camcords ready anticipating the big one.
Fifth photo: Grand Teton National Park which we passed on our way to the Jackson Hole airport. Picture perfect. It almost looks like the icon Windows use as the default picture icon.
Sixth photo: enjoying some pizza on the waterfront with beautiful scenery.
Seventh photo: Yet another plane ride, this time I tried to catch sunset. I swear I have been on more planes this year than I have in my entire life before this year. More flights to catch soon.
Eighth photo: back in SF. Second time around, like it a little more than the first time but still can't see what the hype was for this city.

I think the plan is off to Stanford tomorrow, then it's off to Grand Canyon for a few days. Meanwhile, I'm hitting the sack because I need to drive again tomorrow.

Baaaaah, sheep(s).

By the way, the Australian political scene is a mess right now. Why are these things happening when I am away? I couldn't even freaking vote ><

Night Time

It's 3am and I am not asleep, not even tired. I've been awake since 8:30am yesterday. This recollection of time is nothing short of a habit.

I think night time is my best companion, I hardly ever have trouble embracing its presence by slumbering deep into its darkness. Many other times however, I never seem to find the need to seek its depth.

Here I am again, drowned by my own thoughts while reminiscing about everything possible. What can I say, I'm pretty sure that I have an addiction to this feeling. Why do I feel like this is déjà vu?

One day I'll stop all this thinking and start acting on some of these thoughts. One day I'll be able to figure out what's going on inside my own head.... One day I'll learn to like myself. One day I'll finally get it right. And I'll try till time catches up with me. One day I'll be too old to care.

Dan Humphrey

Gossip Girl has been on rotation (despite not having a laptop, I still managed to find a way to watch it) for the last 3 days. I got to say, I'm loving the show. I think my favourite exchange so far is a scene in the last episode of the first season where Blair, Chuck, Nate and Serena were all gathered at Blair's house (mansion considering how big it is) trying to help Serena out with her I-indirectly-killed-a-man-and-I-can't-forgive-myself guilt.

Anyhow, Dan Humphrey, Lonely Boy. He's so freaking righteous! And a hypocrite too. But his character did something interesting in the second season that I can totally relate to. He tried to step out of his comfort zone, live life as Chuck Bass would, he even tried to be Chuck Bass. All so he could have a better story to write about in his novel.

Sounds familiar to me. Perhaps it's something I am trying to do. Maybe I have already started to step out. I may be manipulating and using other people along the way. It all sounds so contemptible. In fact, I'm sure that whoever knows what I'm really up to will think that it is contemptible. What can I say? I think it's contemptible too.

Which leads me to this problem - always (and I mean always) throwing more than one option in the air, always torn between the options, never being able to settle on just one. This, I sincerely believe is what has been holding me back. Holding me back from starting another chapter. It's like a writer's block, I have not really written anything of significance, just been blabbering on about absolutely nothing, simply to fill the pages. It's time to let go. I don't know what it will take for me to let go of this particular notion I have.

Or maybe this notion I have is really what I want, deep down, but I have been so well at hiding that away from everyone, even myself. Maybe this is who I really am, or want to become. It is utterly beyond my grasp of knowledge. The only way to know the answer is to try.

I make no apologies for my lack of learning instincts. The only way I seem to learn is by trial and error. Ever since I began this trial, I have made several huge mistakes. Mistakes that I cannot undo, mistakes that I still wish I had not made, mistakes that will (I am certain) haunt me forever, just like all the previous mistakes I have made that still haunt me to this day.

A friend asked me the other day what I would do if I could turn back time. I was extremely caught by surprise because 1) I did not expect that question coming from him; and 2) I have given that question much thought over the years.

I have for a long time now been fascinated with the concept of "time". It is, and always will be, the greatest enemy of mankind. For some, there is never enough time to do whatever it is they desire. For others, time seem to trickle ever so painstakingly slow. Time, it is something that we have sought to control yet have never quite grasped just how it works. I read Stephen Hawking's books out of pure curiosity of how the universe, how time is thought to work. I love the notion of the path of time being like train tracks, it usually goes forward but occasionally you find a turn that loops back to an earlier point. Of course, we have yet to find out where this loop is and how it works.

If the time ever comes and we find out how to manipulate time (it is actually not that hard to imagine since we are already manipulating many aspects of nature which we know little about) and the idea of going back in time becomes reality, what would you do?

My friend's answer was exactly what I had as an answer for a very long time - to be able to relive everything, but with the knowledge I have now. It seems like the perfect idea because we would be able to skip so many wrong turns we have made along the way. Then another side of me argues, but isn't that what most of the fun is about? These wrong turns that we have made that has led us to where we are today. If it was not for these wrong turns, we wouldn't know the people we know today, we wouldn't have the knowledge we hold today, and we certainly would not be who we are today to be able to make that decision about wanting to go back. So then I figured a better thing to do would be to record every single little thing that I have ever done in my life. It'd serve two purposes: 1) I have the memory of a goldfish (which apparently don't have very good memories) so these recordings would help me refresh some memories as need be; and 2) In the times when I do feel the need to go back in time, I can always look back at these clear memories to remind myself of what I had. This way, I only ever need to go back in time once, not to unmake mistakes, just to record them. Am I asking for too much?

So anyway, let's not go off on a tangent too much, what I need now is to talk to someone who truly understands my needs and what I am trying to do. Someone who can sit through and listen to all my ramblings and then be able to clear the clouds and show me the big picture. Until then, I'm afraid I am going to stick with my well-hidden but no less prominent dark, evil , selfish side. I have hidden this side from other people's conscience, many times my own but deep, way deep inside, I know that the monster is residing, like Voldemort, biding its time until the opportune moment to lash out.

But to borrow Delta's words: "innocence is still within, evergreen but overgrown". (Rediscovering Delta thanks also to Gossip Girl since Blake Lively to me looks and acts a lot like Delta.)

(Since I have never been good at English, I now have no clue how to relate this entry back to the title "Dan Humphrey". You as the reader, will just have to deal with it.)

~

P.S. The content of this entry is so far from what I had in mind originally that the message I am trying to convey is almost deceiving. Albeit, everything I have said is 100% what I have some time in my past mulled over, more or less.

Part Somewhere-In-Between: The Explanation, The Experiment

My original idea was to post in chronological order. I guess not anymore because there are things I need to say now.

In case you haven't noticed, there has been a slight change on my Facebook info. (Well, you know what they say, "it ain't official until it's on Facebook.") Hold on, before you start thinking "so she's doing this just for a Facebook status!?" No, I'm not. I wouldn't have put it up on Facebook but I figured that it'd make Knight happy and seeing as I've decided to make a commitment, I should perhaps put an effort into maintaining this relationship.

I think I put the everyone in a frenzy and probably rendered a few of you utterly speechless, literally. I'm pretty sure I put Knight's mind on a joyride too. I, on the other hand, was probably a little too calm about something this big. Both inside and out. You'll see why.

Some questions I know some of you are dying to have answered.

How?!
Yeah, I got that one like a gazillion times already (ignore the exaggeration because even though physically it wasn't a gazillion times, it feels like a gazillions times). Well I'm not quite sure how other people generally decide on these things, what happened certainly was not movie/drama-esque. Not even close. It's quite accurate to say that we had a talk and this is where we ended up.

Do I hear a request for details? T'was I who initiated this discussion. Within this discussion, which spanned 2 days (time difference, we didn't literally talk for 2 days straight), I asked him a lot of questions. Such as why he likes me, why he still likes me despite the numerous times I have turned him down, etc. These questions I received satisfactory answers for. Of course, he had questions for me too.

I have interacted with Knight enough to know that he's a good guy. He's nice to everyone. He also has qualities I hope to find in a guy, more specifically long term partner. At this stage, it's safe to say he is quite 专一, tick. Attention to detail, tick. High tolerance, tick. He knows how to cook, big tick. We also share some common interests. But some of his antics also annoy the shit out of me, although I found out recently where some of it comes from. He also lacks a few major qualities I'm looking for, I won't say what these are because I don't want to manipulate anyone to become my ideals.

I weighed the pros and cons, the pros won.

Why, why now?
That's a good question posed by Bonnie. Firstly, why. And this is where Santi and Ahmed comes in.

Santi, mi buen amigo! I don't think I ever told you this but to me, you're like a big brother I never :). Why did I come to talk to you about all that stuff? It just felt right. And I was surprised to see how open you were with me. Like you said, we are similar in many ways, especially the way we calculate our every step. Not to every minor detail, but just enough so we can roughly estimate where we're going to land. (Gosh, how I detest details, this is why I ain't ever going to be no scientist.)

Then you told me about the game. The game of life. The steps you've taken, the observations you saw. At the time, I only agreed with some of your propositions. I have long toyed with the idea that life is just a game. Despite that, I still clung tightly to the idea that life is not a game so I never let myself go fully. You, however, entered the game yourself, but portraying many characters which provoke certain events to occur within a situation. I never had the courage to take that step, until now. I'm very conscious of what others see me as and what their expectations are of me.

This is where "The Fuckin' Terrorist" aka Ahmed enters the story (don't worry, you were always in the story, just sidelining until the perfect moment :P). First stop, Seaworld. Man, you had me in confusion that whole freakin' day! Your confrontations were nothing short of intimidating (as were your straight-forwardness). But I'm glad for them because you pushed for specificity, something that I never bother with. You dug deeper and deeper, that much deeper than anyone else, in fact, that you also got some surprising results. (And you better keep them private too.) Next stop, the mall! I couldn't believe you actually took me there to "repackage" me. I ain't quite as monotonous as you think but still, I agree with a need for change, and I am changing. I've been wearing them tank tops and skinny jeans (no matter how uncomfortable they are! :P). Oh and you'd be glad to know that your getting together with S also contributed to my decision.

In addition, I believe I met someone who was very successful in forging meaningful relationships - Jezli. No, never too much credit because I'm making up for the lack of credit that you give yourself.(So why are you so militantly harsh on yourself? Where is all this self pressure coming from?)

I was impressed/in awe with the company you kept and hence asked you to blog about the "relationships" topic, hoping I could learn something handy. Then in one of your posts with the letter, I was struck at how familiar that situation sounded, eventually I realised that I am in that situation too! Except role reversal, I was the ignorant one. This made me reassess my situation. I figured that I wasn't completely oblivious to all that the other party feels, I just decided to ignore it because I didn't quite know how to handle it.

I don't know, I still think you should send that letter because otherwise you would never know. You might still not know the answer even if you sent it, but at least you tried. (By the way, apologies again for not living up to expectations, I don't deal well with expectations.)

So after I met these enlighteners, I decided it was time to do something. Something drastic. Something totally unexpected. (I still did my calculations though.) I was/am extremely curious to see how people will react, how I will react and where this will lead.

Open relationship?
What this genrally entails is that either party is still free to seek out other potential partners. Actually, Knight thought an "open relationship" was revealing the relationship to the public as opposed to a "relationship" where it's just the two of us that knows. Sorry Knight, definitely weren't on the same page with this one. He says he won't be on the lookout and hopes that I do the same, sorry mate, that is something that I definitely cannot guarantee. So now I've decided to change my definition of an "open relationship" to open to interpretations. Also, I'm not sure how this will turn out so 1) I don't want to fully commit myself until I can sense what it's headed; and 2) because of the previous reason, I don't want to give you too much false hope yet again.

~~~

This probably sounds like a game to you, and you know what? I ain't going to lie, it is a game. I am in this as a player, and I am going to play until I figure out what I want to do. I may lose respect from some people, I will most likely hurt the feelings of some, but I will not stop playing because of that. This time, I'm going to play, make mistakes, not care (too much) about the consequences of these mistakes and stop only when I have verified all that I need verifications for. Unfortunately, I learn things that much better by doing and faulting.

I. The Ironies of Life

I have always thought life was ironic, especially mine.

I don't know where to start. I have grown into the habit of writing and thinking of everything in an abstract way. It takes less energy that way (since for a given system it is thermodynamically favourable for entropy to increase). Ironically, I dislike it when I am the one who has to piece the bits together.

I have also grown into the habit of disguising everything I feel in one way or another. Subtlety is perhaps my fondest tool. What's ironic is that I can never pick up subtlety from someone else so I don't like it when people are being subtle to me.

Do you know what else is ironic? The dislike I have of being stuck in the middle. Yet my favourite number is 5, smack bang halfway between 0 and 10. Every opinion I give, it has always been mid-range, not bad, not great, it's good. But I have learnt that being in the middle has its advantage - you can see both sides equally well.

I have a strong belief in being free. But over the years, I have subconsciously developed rules that I have placed on myself and those around me. I remember vowing to always, always have an open mind in every situation, but the social norms I follow, the cultural traditions that I obey, the rules that I have set for my sister for what I believe will make her “better” in my opinion are a contradiction to that very belief.

Let me share this angry little statement I wrote at 2:21am this morning (try 4 weeks ago, now 2 months ago??) while trying to find the 'off' button to my brain.

---
It's ironic how I've made the same mistake I have recognised as the ultimate culprit in an everlasting issue.

As much as I love subtlety, I believe some things need to be said out loud, loud and clear. Silence will only perpetuate the problem.

You gave me a shovel, did you expect me to just hold it in my hands for decorations' sake? Yes Knight, I am talking to you and I know you were referring to me in your blog as "someone". Excuse my utter stupidity but I didn't quite realise you still felt that way about me because I can't f***in' read people's minds, especially when they're 15,000km away on the other half of the globe.

I take complete absolute blame on everything that has gone wrong in my life, including this. But you know what I've learnt over the years? It takes two hands to clap.
---

That was 2 months ago. I was rather pissed off that night and lack of sleep probably didn’t help. Still, I think anger makes for honesty about things I usually wouldn’t be honest about. Let’s be open here.

At the Intersection

The question is not "to cross or not to cross" but rather, which way to cross.
.

*Please ignore the appalling-ness of the drawing, I never use Paint and I cannot draw for nuts and nor am I extremely computer literate.

So let me explain the diagram. You've arrived at the intersection where the pedestrian lights to cross horizontally is about to turn green. There presents 2 options...

Option #1
You cross at the lights horizontally and then wait for the lights again to cross vertically for destination.

If you pick this option, you wouldn't have to wait for the lights initially but the wait for the vertical lights is unknown but with a definite value.

Option #2
You wait for the vertical lights to turn, cross and then jaywalk across the road horizontally for destination.

If you pick this option, you would have to wait for the lights initially, then you may/may not have to wait to cross the road horizontally depending on the traffic density which is unknown and with no set value.

Both ways will evenutally get you to your destination.
~~~

This isn't a trick question, it's just a thought I had when I was confronted with this situation. It's kind of like an everyday analogy of life in general. We approach intersections everyday and within a set time frame, we make a choice about which way we would go. The choice we make depends largely on our priorities and past experiences/knowledge.

Say if I was in a hurry, I would perhaps pick option #2 becuase it would save me the wait on the second light and I know that I am an experienced jaywalker there is a higher possibility of me crossing the road even in high traffic density (true because I come from China where people compete with cars on the roads).

But if I was just going for a stroll on a Sunday afternoon and not in a hurry, I may be more likely to choose option #1 because I don't want to take the risk of possibly being hit by a car. Plus it's more relaxing to walk slowly than to rush.

Perhaps there even exists a 3rd, 4th or even 5th option that I have not seen. Who knows.

The juggling of all criteria in one's mind is a complex process and takes time. Alas, time is not always on our side and the choices we make sometimes is rushed and not well thought out. Or maybe we've had too much time on our hands and have over-thought about our options. Either way, there ain't no way back, even if we backtrack to the original spot, the situation presented to us is not the same. The time of occurence is different, the traffic density is different, your mindset is different, your body is feeling differently - all these things will change the outcome.

As Eason sings: "That's just life". Take it or leave it.